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FH and pornography, am i the only one?
My FH looks at these sites every time I'm not home.
He's even done it a few times when i was home:
-Once I found a dvd on top of the kitchen cabinets
-he watched it on our dvd player in the bathroom
(which he then hid the whole thing under the cabinet and i found it, plugged it in and the DVD was still in there and I left it plugged it and left it turned on, and when he woke up for work in the morning he unplugged it and threw the dvd in the trash)
-since he threw it away, I wasn't going to bring it up, and he also brought me flowers, but we didn't speak about it
after that i figured he would stop, nope, 2 days later he was on the computer again
that time i confronted him
I was calm, and not trying to be demeaning or mad about it (really i was just sad) and asked him, "why do you always look at nude websites"
I told him it made feel inadequate and not very pretty
I told him, that any day I seemed upset or mad for no reason, it was b/c of that
I also told him I could tell b/c he would always delete all the history (and I like to use the history to find all the sites that i visited before and didn't bookmark)
So i downloaded index.dat analyzer which shows you all the deleted history and you can even revisit the pages
and low and behold......lots of pornography sites!
and you know what else, he figured out what that program does, and started deleting the history from there himself!!
anyway when i confronted him, he told he was embarrassed and that he would stop
but he hasn't
I know that he loves me and wouldn't cheat on me
but I still don't think looking at porn is right
I mean to each their own, I know that there are plenty of women that just accept it or make it a "couple thing"
we are about to make these promises:
Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, BE FAITHFUL to him as long as you both shall live?
I know there are a lot of women who have this same problem, just go onto yahoo.answers.com and search husbands and porn, or boyfriend and porn, or fiance and porn and a ton of questions will come up
a lot of answers were, get over it, its natural- at least he comes to you for the real thing, your a prude, Its ok, its a way for men to release stress
and i was going to try and accept it, but how can i accept something that really, I don't think is right!
then i found this site that had an article written by a former sex addict on marriage and pornography that helped realize that my wanting him to stop is not wrong
"Here's the warning: If you choose to use pornography as a means to sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more difficult to be sexually aroused by your lifemate because he or she will age while the porn star forever remains youthful in pictures and videos. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a very bad thing! Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful experience shared by you and your spouse."
"The use of pornography will inevitably destroy the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they are not normal. The females they select are usually far above average in breast size and in the appearance of other features."
"As your spouse is constantly exposed to the "perfection" of the people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly, inadequate and unwanted. In time it becomes painfully obvious to your spouse that a substitute is required to sexually excite you. Can you see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn't get better with time--it only gets worse as each of you experience the normal aging process while at the same time watching porn stars who are permanently young"
"If you are using another person--even a picture of another person--to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you are commiting adultery according to Jesus. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28)."
"This question has been asked so often by couples around the world that we felt it necessary to provide an answer as a resource for individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse."
anyway, like i said, he has not stopped even though he said he would, and I don't know what to do...
I did print out that article and have all the above quoted text highlighted, and I would like to show it to him
Also, we need to start going to church, we had already discussed it before, and I think it would help
ok, sorry for the longest post ever
**********************MY COMMENTS SINCE POST*************************
anonymousbride | Baytown, TX, United states | 02/07/2009
thanks so much ya'll, I'm glad to see ya'll are on my side and vintagebabe, thanks soo much for the links, I will definitely check them out!
I feel a lot better, because for a while i thought I was wrong for wanting him to stop or being selfish
I really hope we can resolve this before our wedding which only a little more than a month away.
and rodrhonda, what you wrote makes me tear up, b/c that is how i fee
anonymousbride | Baytown, TX, United states | 02/07/2009
He said he would stop and he has not
I know, b/c i just saw it in the history this morning
So, I decided I'm going to wait until Tuesday when he is off and tell him we need to talk and maybe sit at the couch and let him know that I went against what i said (I had told him that I would stop checking to see if he went on those sites) and saw that he was still going to them
I'm not going to demeaning, or get mad
I'm going to try to be understanding and caring
I'm going to show him those same quotes i wrote above. and tell him that we are about to make vows to each other that will not be fulfilled if this continues and that it will put unnecessary grief and strain in our relationship. It could also cause distrust which I believe i someone on WBC wrote trust is everything
thanks so much for yall's support, you have no idea how much your words are helping me!
Thanks everyone again for sharing your advice, views, and experiences
Before I came across the website way above, I was going to try and just "deal" withe the situation and let it continue
I still felt like i needed support so I posted my dilemma here on WBC and feel more confident in the way I feel towards, because, I'm sorry, I honestly do not like the idea of my FH looking at porn, whether it is on a regular basis or not, It would still upset me.
How would he feel if I was constantly looking at Nude Men with huge muscles and abs of steel, but hiding it
He would get jealous, and I guess that is another feeling I kind of have towards this, I'm jealous that my FH goes to these sites and pleases him
I want to be the only one for him to come for that
Not some cyber bunny doll (no he doesn't do chats)
I do see that not everyone believes looking at porn is bad for a relationship, but everyone is entitled to their opinion
I know men like oogle at pretty girls, but getting off to them while naked and performing sexual acts, not a fan at all!
Vintage Babe, thanks for opening my eyes to the poor women who end up over their heads in the porn industry. Its really sad, and Shelley Lubben's story is inspiring and I'm glad she out there trying to help other women from that industry.
In addition to sites you gave me, I came across a video of her in court along w/another former adult entertainer sharing their stories about the real evils of porn and how they become trapped, and it was horrible and sad.
I will speak to my FH next week about this when he is off work and I hope we will able to work things out and bring this ordeal to a close