IM NOT SURE IF WE'RE STILL GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!! - A WHOLE BUNCH OF SH... HITTING THE FAN....I NEED HONEST OPINIONS LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't really know if I'm the best person to give advice, I am known for giving men second and third chances, because I too have made mistakes and know that its sometimes a momentary lapse of judgement that I regret to this day. But if you really feel deep down that he cheated and is lying to you, then go with that and do what you feel is right. And a dead giveaway I have come to find out, is the way they act, there are little hints, Is he being too sweet? Is he being overly suspicious of YOU? Just little things you will notice are off because you know him so well, those are usually dead giveaways that he is hiding something. But then look at all the good things about your relationship and figure out if you think its worth it to try and work things out, I for instance know me and my FH have had some bad, and I mean BAD times, but I could not imagine my life without him in the slightest. And while the texts are a little fishy I would think she would have flat out mentioned the sex if they had actually done it, instead of trying to hide it, especially if she wanted to break you guys up. And if he had cheated I would think he would have gotten really defensive and been mad, tends to go that way, and with all the calls and texts its seems like he is crazy about you and really wants to be with you. Just let him know if you do take him back and he does one more thing like that then he is gone for good, no more second chances.

thank you for reading and responding carrieann. That's the thing though, he is like soooooo sweet....aallllll the time. none of that ever changed since we became a couple. we were friends for over 5 months before we became a couple. and not just 5 months, we literally sat outside and talked for hours and hours and hours each day for 5 months straight and we fell in love as friends(i never told him my feelings though even though he told me). I didnt see anything but the text and when he didnt come home that night. i always said he treats me like we just met and...excuse my type, but....i always say he treats me like we just met and never got the drols! And its true, he still open the door for me, cooks for me, tend to the children when Im still sleepy, never hit me or raised his voice at me, compliments me literally like we just met and he's trying to gain brownie points. He's not suspicious of me on anything and i never cheated on him before. I always felt like he is too good to be true and maybe he did cheat on me with her. I feel like that because he stayed the night. he told me his phone died and that's why it was going to vm. he said he didnt bring his charger because he didnt think he was going to be over there that long. his female cousins were telling me how much his daughter mom miss him and knows exactly what she's missing because she cheated on him 3 times before he decided to not give her another chance. he's a big time family man and i love him sooooooooooooooooooooo much. I've NEVER loved a person the way that i love him which is so scary to me because i had my wall up for so many years and when i was trying to drive him away, he was patiently waiting for me to let him in my life. thats why he knocked on my door every night around 7pm after he got off work. and we'll sit outside on my steps until around 3am just talking. i never had that with any man i know. but at the same time, im made at the text and especially that he slept over there. he told me if i was there and seen the way his daughter was acting when he was about to leave, i woulda stayed too. that just made me more upset because i feel like that will always be the excuse now to sleep there which isnt cool. he says hes not going to see her over there anymore, just pick her up....he wrote me letters and have little sticky notes all through my place with reasons why he fell in love with me and why he want to be with me, but im still mad and scared it'll happen again.

I think you should give him another chance... N e one can see you LOVE him but I feel you should lay down some rules bout this BM... (she a mess) you gotta pray on it and it will all play out cause what's done in the dark will come to the light... But as Carrieann said if u strongly think he cheated leave cause u will never trust him and ur going to drive yourself crazy... I'll send a prayer up for you...!

I am so sorry for your loss. I know this must be a really bad position for you to be in hunni. I think you should give him a second chance with some stipulations. You unfortunately don't know for sure if he slept with her, so you would need to take his word for it. I think you, your FH, and his BM need to meet with a mediator. Or you can meet with her woman to woman.....being respectful to her, but also letting her know how you feel. Your kids should definitely be able to see each other, and you shouldn't have to worry if your man is cheating when he goes to see if his daughter. I agree that he should bring his daughter his home for visits, instead of being at his BM house.

I think the mediator is the best option because you have another person there who is non biased and can't help you guys come to a resolution. Hopefully she would agree to go. I know you love him. Don't worry whether or not you made the right decision or not, so that's why I say give him a second chance but make sure you have this baby momma situation nipped in the bud first.

I hope this helps and keep me posted......

Oh she's one of those. I have a friend who went through something similar. They weren't together but she did not want him to be with anyone. She called the police on him many times and lied. So I completely understand how you are feeling. Don't let this *itch win. Your man was honest enough to show you her text. Fight for him!! He seems to truly love you and if you fight together against her, she'll be defeated. Take her to court....find a way of preventing her from moving away with his daughter. The next time she threatens to move away, he needs to tell her he will call the police and file kidnapping charges. His baby mama is a manipulator and she will eventually have to come to terms that he loves you and not her. Stand your ground and fight for what's yours. Don't let her win.

@ rainbobride2011, thanks, I will pray about it. The reason why i think he could have done something is because he slept over there. He asked me the times he first started sleeping by my house if we done anything, which we hadn't for the first few months he started sleeping over, but i told him its different because we had never done it before and never was a couple before at that time and once you have sex with someone, its kinda easier to do it again than making a move the first time.

@ glamdivabride, thank you sooo much. The thing is, she isn't level headed. When I tell you she can't stand me, she can't stand me. She knocked on our door one day in 2008 with his cousin's wife (they've been knowing each other since 2004). I heard a knock on the door (I've always told him i had no problem if she came over with his daughter, because Im understanding with the fact he HAS to see his baby, that was never the issue) but she came over with her girl and their baby. He went to open the door and all I seen was his daughter so i jumped up excited and went in the bedroom to put on decent clothes to go see her. I had no idea who had his baby. But when i opened the door, I see his daughter's mother and the lil chick (me and the chick got along though, but she acts different when his baby momma is around so I dont talk to her anymore). I spoke to the lil chick first, then I was like...let me speak to his bm before I acknowledge their child, so I spoke to her and she just rolled her eyes....i had to just swallow what i wanted my fist to do and ignored it. so i go to speak to their baby girl and she says...."Bitch, don't speak to my fucking baby!" I heard my fh tell her something but i dont know what cuz i went inside to put on tighter clothes and i opened the door back up and told her to catch the cut (all this time I've been wanted to tell her something but he been begged me not to do or tell her anything because the first thing she is going to say is, because ur girl done this or told me that, you can't see your baby) but I was fed up at this point, so i tried to walk out my door and she ran in my house and i grabbed her neck. My fh jumped in between us shielding me from getting to her. she left out the house and my fh kept apologizing to me (still holding me down because after she left out because he knew i was going to run behind her) he was saying it was his fault and he's been trying to keep us from being around each other because he knows how his bm is, and we shouldn't be doing that in front of the kids and he was just...idk. but as far as her being in my presence and hearing anything i have to say to her or saying anything to me...she isn't on that level. I sent her an email trying to squash everything, i told her i never desired beef with her, even after she got my number from somebody and called my phone playing and i ignored it all. i HATE drama, but I feel like, because I didnt put her in her place all this time (because she'll use that to say he cant see the little girl) now she just thinks she can do and say whatever she wants. she told my fh that she thinks when i tried to squash everything, that i was being funny and trying to start shit. She will not sit around me and talk. I've tried so many times. I hadn't seen her in over a year though...including their daughter. I'm so crazy about her. When i go to the store, i would buy our boys something as well as their daughter cuz he sees my sons who aren't his as his, we have a son together, and i see his daughter as mine, so when i buy for the boys, i buy for her too. I tell him to tell her he bought it, because if she knew i bought it, she would throw it away. his mother bought her a bike for her 4th birthday and she threw it away and his mother have nothing to do with whats going on. I know he was her first, but she's having a hard time moving on. And i ask him when she brings up all this lets get back together, what does he say...he said he just let he talk. i told him he need to tell her something. he said he already told her he's not getting back with her and at this point he doesnt want to repeat himself so he just let her talk. they've been together since she was 15 on and off until she was 21. she's 25 now.

@sweetlatina...I agree. His female cousin told me that when his bm got caught cheating and he would leave her and meet someone else, every single time, his bm would go to him and ask for them to be back together for the sake of their child and each and everytime he did...until we got together. So that's a big issue for her. I told him if she tries to leave, that's considered kidnapping because i read the whole packet of the joint custody/child support paper and he's supposed to know where his daughter is at all times. He says she has money and she can get a lawyer and tell their baby to say she see's her dad on a regular or some other stuff. I told him she had a lawyer the last time she took him to court and we didnt have a lawyer (and she was upset to see me in court with him) and we still won and her lawyer dismissed everything. I do believe we are strong together. My momma told me to have security at our wedding in case she tries to ruin it, but I dont need security and im not sure if shes brave enough to step foot where my crazy family is. Im from New Orleans, and when I tell people that they dont believe me because im so...calm...but i do have an agressive side, i just prefer not to act out....but every one else in my family....they dont take shyt from anyone...like very fightsty. As far as his baby, I told him he can get escorted over there with the constables and get his baby, because if he goes alone and try to take her, she would trip out. Every one in his family is telling him to just forget about his baby for right now until she gets older. the ten months he didnt see her, and they spoke, she asked her dad why he ran away and he was soooo crushed about it. I said, I think her momma told their daughter he ran away because I know she kept asking where her daddy was all that time. He said he just cant forget about his baby like that. So I told him he needs to man up and go above her head because he gives her more power than she legally has. So what if she gets mad, its not about her.

As far as me getting back with him...I'm still thinking about it. I want to....so bad....like really bad...while I was telling him to get out that night, at the same second i said that, in the back of my mind i said, "damn I'm going to miss him, no I don't want you to go," but I was soooo heated. And I thought he sent her the text the same day and was wondering why i was looking at something he told her when his outbox isn't saved. thats when he told me it was old txt he sent her when we were broken up and she saved it and sent it to him. Nothing in the text said anything about them getting back together, but the stuff it did say, was out of line still to me. But I do still love him of course. His momma wants to meet up tonight at a resturant and talk to me.

im sorry you going through all this sorry for both of your losses too. I would honestly give him a sceond chance but would make things clear he needs to stand up and put you and his children first yes he has a daughter then he needs to fight for his rights and your love and thats all. I mean when i read the part that he was beating him and was protecting daughter fromm getting hurt he should of called the cops on her ass and he should of gotten a restraing order on her dumb ass then taking her to court along with that letter get a good lawyer and set things clear that he aint playing games.He can NOT let this women hold him down for 18 yrs cause he has a child with her. Honestly its all on him and if u leaving him is not a wake up call and he doesnt get it together then yes let him go as for the texts she prolly knedw you would check em after he didnt come home so she figure great way to mess with yr head seeing how he didnt text her back about it he may be telling the truth but now its up to him to tell her in her face in front of you whats really gonna happen.Not sure if you ever watched that Tyler perry movie called Why did I get married but theres a scenerio abit like yours in. Great movie and totally recomended to any one who hasnt seen it

heres a tiny clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWQsWJTO1bA

I really hope he gets it together b4 its too late watch the movie if u havent and even get him to watch it, all the best & stay strong ((hugs))

@fairytalebride, thank you! I did watch that movie...actually, we watched it together, and on that part, I felt like TP studied our situation and made that part based off of us personally! The next step is him and my dad going to pick his daughter up Friday since this is his weekend to have her with the constables and his paperwork. We'll see what happens.

As far as us...when his mother took me to the resturant, the Spindletop resturant downtown on the top of the Hyatt hotel, it did calm me a bit just because of the atmosphere of the resturant. it was dimly lit, and the floor rotated continously to view the downtown houston area. I guess it was like an elegant ladies night out with just his momma and i. When the resturant floor of where we were sitting got to one particular area, I turned my head and seen him on one knee singing "You are so beautiful, to me" like on the little rascals movie...in front of the whole resturant. His momma started telling me how she knows all of the women who ever was in his life and i'm the perfect fit for him and she wants me in the family. He got up before the rotation passed him up and came to me and got back down on his knee, telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, he had time to think while he was gone, he feels how it would be without me and it made him sick to his stomach, couldn't eat or sleep, hadn't been to work and he will do what's necesarry to make things right with getting his daughter, and setting things clear with his crazy bm. he told me he's sorry (a word he hates to say) that he was asking too much from me as far as what all i did have to deal with dealing with his bm and if it was the other way around, he didnt know if he could hold his tongue and actions as long as i did as far as how his bm was acting if my son blood dad done it to him. he asked me to be his wife again. i looked at his momma, she had tears, which caused the ones i had to bite my teeth together to keep in fall down. i told him yes, the whole resturant clapped. When our dinner came, he ate so fast! i was like, "you really couldn't eat?" he said no, but he clearly got his appetite back. his momma left at that point.

So now it's serious time as far as getting his baby to us this weekend.

Thank all of you ladies for your support and help. As the days passed, I thought about each and every comment on here. So much love :-)

Oh Gosh, I know Im late gal but Damn! you did what you thought was best for you,

I mean you are about to make a life time commitment to each other, you dont want to one day find your biggest fears coming true,now is a good time as any to truly set things straight, I hope your actions seriosly shows him how much his lack of dealing with his BM is affecting your relationship....

I hope you come out stronger than ever, I am praying for you and your children, but I am not worried a bit I think you got this....

Be strong lovey,
We love and support whatever decision you will take as long as it comes from you and you only

@ ammyrsa, thank you darling. yeah, because that was my very very very first time saying something and having a reaction period.com That includes my actions with him, the way I talked to his bm, and his momma as well. I'v very to myself and low key and have been this whole time. which makes whoever think they can say whatever or/and do whatever because i'm not going to say/do anything about it. but like the song goes, every woman has a breaking point. everyone was so shock and wondered where it came from. i have it in me as far as aggression and strong minded, but im more of a laid back, drama free...classy lady.com so we'll see who cross my path. but thank you so much for even responding and giving me your input. i really should've nipped it in the butt at the very beginning instead of letting her words/actions slide because of what she might do with their daughter. him too as far as letting her have all that power. but we'll see what's up friday.

First let me say sorry for your loses, I couldn't imgaine not being able to go to one of my best friends to talk about my problems; I was an only child and they are my sisters.

After reading this over twice (because I wanted to make sure I understood each point you made) there are a lot of different things that need to change. I myself have went through "BM" drama, so I'm very familiar and can understand where the distrust comes into play.

In order to have a fruitful and everlasting marriage you have trust and communication. Those factors are KEY! You do not trust him and don't think you have ever dealt with prior issue you had with him nor put them behind you. I agree with you, actions speak louder than words. However you should believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see. The fact that he shows you messages from his BM is only helping clear himself and doesn't provide you any additonal comfort. You only care about him so her intentions shouldn't matter, it's his intentions that you question.

Men don't know how to deal with conflict and whatever way possible to difuse the situation quickly they will and most of the time it just causes additional heartache to us. In a perfect world he wants to keep both women happy, but hey the world is not perfect and the reality is that it will never happen. He should be concerned about only YOU.

He needs to pick and choose his battles carefully. If he knows that this other girl is "using" his daughter to get to him; then he needs to beat at her own game and not play into it. No law prohibits a women from keeping their child away from the father unless they can prove potential harm to the child. The fact they get in arguments and fights when he comes around, he needs to STOP going to the house to see his daughter. He needs to fight that battle in court and allow the judge to decide where the child can be picked up from. There may have to be an "middleman" to help facilitate this. I could go on on on on about ways to remediate this issue, but it's not going to happen unless your FH wants the situation to change.

I also believe that you should not "snoop" in your FH phone because you are going to find something that you don't want to see and then make assumptions based on your "OWN" preconceived notions. Believe me he is always going to have story to cover the situation, wouldn't you (even if it's true)? This goes back to my first comment, you don't trust him and without trust you have nothing.

You really need to take some time out and think about all the good things and bad things that have come out of the relationship. Weigh them against each other, but most of all you have to be "true" to yourself and where you forsee this relationship going. Doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results is equivalent to insanity! You are dealing with real issues and have to the two of you have to tackle them togehter in order to be on the same accord.

I humbly suggest the both of you to get counseling.....not marriage counseling but relationship counseling. It works, if you allow it to. But both of you have to be open and truthful....I wish you the best.....

honey, first off, i'm so sorry for your loss. God bless.

wow, i can't imagine what you are going through. i agree with glamdivabride & jerzeegirl17 , and i too think counseling or meeting with a mediator would be best, but i too know what you mean when you say she isn't level headed and wouldn't do it. i commend you for trying. i really do. the fact that you opened your door and tried to talk to her is what made you the woman, and her the *itch. at the end of the day, you, your family, fh & even HER know that your everything she's not, and that's what kills her. jealousy kills and in her case it's coming along slowly. i feel bad that you have to go through this. i think giving back the ring was the right thing to do. i think you need time to let him prove to you that youre the one. and reading how much he's trying, i'm sure things will work out the way they should. (they always do)

with that being said, continue to do you. when the time comes, that you feel youre ready to be with your fh again (engaged) i think things need to be settled and agreements need to be made. there is no reason for him to go to her home to see his child. court court court! do it honey.

i wish you nothing but patients and happiness. if you ever need anything we are all here for you. one family. you can also contact me privately if you ever need anything. take care and good luck!

xox

@jerzeegirl17, you are right, and thank you. I have his phone right now, but i'm only doing his google info and his market. I haven't looked in the text messages, call log, or tried to listen to his vm.

Actually, when we first started dating, his boy and him went to the pool hall. His boy's girlfriend came to my house, just so we can get to know each other (they lived across the parking lot) She must have called her boyfriend over 10 times asking him where they were, who he was around, what he's doing...over and over on each call. She finally asked me, "Tiffany, why haven't you called Rodney not even one time?" I said, "because I have children already and he's not my child. I'm not about to call him when he told me where he's going." she said, "you give him too much rope around his neck to wonder off. how do you know he is where he say he is" i said, "i trust him. and besides, when i go out, i definately don't want him calling me like that." and about 2 years after that was my very first time looking in his phone. I didn't see anything that had me upset that came from him. What made me look was because i felt he and my lil brother lied to me about where they were and i thought my lil brother covered for him because that's the ONLY person my brother like for me. He checked every person he seen me with except him. He even used to wish i was gay because he didnt want men to mess over me.

I have his phone now thought and Im not rampaging through it. I thought about the good and bad the same night i gave him the ring back and the good outweighted the bad overlapsing multiple times. He has my phone right now and I have his.

With the trust and communication thing...I'm working on communicating...we both are. He did always show me his text though, so I do like that about him. I don't show him mine, but i dont think there isn't anything to show but girly talk. I'm working on trusting him 100%. What I'm doing is thinking of other females I know (like the female who questioned why i didnt call my man while he was away) and how their man messed over them and maybe mine have a possiblity too. But then I remember how they began treating their woman, like....mean and like he didnt even care about her...and mine never done that, so I can't compare him to the others.

We have a forced visitation packet to fill out and we only have to pay the lawyers 100....oh, and we went to counsling...it was a two day weekend thing with our church and the pastor and the friday night was like...romantic dinner in a hotel ballroom with dancing and just sweetness. Then that saturday morning, everyone one got together and he was telling us how his wife and he were before they were married. a bit after that, he proposed. I thought maybe that had something to do with it. But we never done it one on one though. The marraige people had their room and the "dating to marry" people had theirs. It was nice, but not one on one. I didnt think he wanted to be there because i signed us up without telling/asking him first. But some of the things that was said, he began doing. We are about to have our "funeral". Something they said in counceling. We have to both write things down in a notebook...whatever, confessions, secrets, childhood, what we think about eachother, closet stuff, anything and buy a plant, dig a hole, hold hands and pray with each other, kneel down, exchange notebooks, read it in silence, then burry it in the ground...never to dig up again, including bring it up in a conversation. We haven't done it yet, but we're going too this weekend.

@ hismrsb, thank you sweetie. I know she's jealous of us, me, the family. I told her that she is so busy trying to relight a match but it's already been lit before and burnt up...I told her to she needs to look ahead, instead she's looking ahead hanging on to a rearview mirror. I told her she is going to end up passing her God sent because she is trying to keep herself available for "when he keep his promise he made to her when they first got together in 2002." I seen a letter he showed me he wrote to him, saying she gets with men but pretends its him. This was...2009. He shows me all the letters she wrote him. I asked him why he take em from her, he said just to be nice but he shows me and I question something in the letter and he said he hadn't even read it yet, he was just showing me. I believe him on that part, because he hadn't even read the 27pg letter we went to court with, or her affidiviat. His mother and I literally read the letter to him in court while another order was going on. i said, fool, you have to be prepared and know what to say. But we will be going to court very soon, just waiting on the lawyer, well, we have to meet up first. Thank you so much for your input sweetie. I love all of the support from my girls on weddingbycolor!!!!

classybride said...

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