I gave my ring back last week!!!!!!!! Here's the story, it's kinda long....
We've been friends for a good 8mths before we became a relationship and the whole time he's been having issues with his daughter's mother. I met him when his daughter was 8mths and she's' 4yrs old now. The thing is that his bm (baby momma) hates the air I breathe because we are together. She doesn't let him see his daughter at all, especially ever since we had a child together(son).
There was a point in time where I had serious trust issues with him and I told him that. I explained to him that whatever it is he tells me, I hear him but I let his actions back his words up and then take what ever it was he told me. He showed me a text message she sent him saying if he can't be with her (of all the ways you can think of...going out on dates, sex, time) then he can't see his baby. So the times he was allowed to see his baby, I wondered if he went there with her or not. He says he doesn't.
February of 2010, we went to court because she was so mad at him for not leaving me to go back to her so she changed her number so he won't keep contact with his child (this was after I had our son...2mths after). He hadn't seen his daughter in 2mths at this time. I told him to just go over there. They had an arguement about whatever and he stated when he was leaving, he gave his daughter a hug while he was on one knee and his bm just started punching him in the back of his head. He sheild their daughter so she wouldn't mistake and hit her. Then he swung his arm out and pushed her out of his way.
She called the police and said he beat her and she wanted a restraining order on him and she fears for her life. in her affidiviate, she said April of 2009, she went through his wallet and seen a picture of us and started fussing at him (mind you, we've been living together since Christmas of 2007) and she put that he beat her and choked her until she blacked out in front of their daughter but she never called the police. (I've been knowing him since August of 2007 and from that time until today 6/24/11, he never hit me, cursed me out, or even yell at me).
There was a letter she wrote him November 18, 2009 (27 pgs long from 1am to 4am...she wrote the times on there) stating how much she loves him and want to be with him and when they were together, he always told her she would be by her side and that she know she made mistakes, but she changed and he always told her its never too late for change and now he's not with her. That she beats herself up, that she's ready to marry him, that when he visit his daughter and he's about to leave to come home, she would pick a fight just to make him stay longer because she hated that he had to come to me.
There was also a picture from when they first met in there, and a picture at a family party June, 2009 together. Mind you, in April, two months prior, she said she feared for her life and he choked her until she blacked out (in her affividiate) and that she cries everyday because she know im about to have his baby. all type of stuff in that letter.
I said, guess what, we are going to bring this long letter she wrote to you, the pics yawl have together, plus his ex girlfriend from when he was 12 till like 18 or 19 wrote a letter because she couldn't come with us stating that he's not an abusive person and that she beat him so many times and he never hit her back. Basically, when we went to court with everything (no lawyer), she had a lawyer and her lawyer read the letters, seen the pics and seen she was lying and dismissed the case. And told him to bring her to court to get his daughter.
After that, she moved, changed her number, we had no 411 of where his daughter was. He didn't see her in 10 mths...he seen her for her bday December, 2010 since that visit for 2minutes in Feb. I told him, what if you go to visit your daughter and you don't have a ride home (we dont have our liscense anymore) he stated he would never sleep over there or anything. I told him I'm still kind of iffy with him being around her, because I know she still wants him and im not sure exactly what he tells her, just because that's all she talks about is them getting back together when i have his phone. It usually ends up with her cursing him out in the text for either ignoring her or not saying what she wants to hear. (his outbox isn't saved, only inbox)
So....(i know, very long story, just telling you the history)...anywho
My son never seen her daughter and I HATE that. We have the court papers now for him to get her. BUT.....he was going to take my son to her house so his daughter can see our son because she keeps asking to see her brother (and to go home with her dad, but her momma, his baby momma, doesn't like me which means the little girl can't visit) That was on the 7th of June. He ended up not going, not sure if she said our son couldn't visit or what, but he didnt go either.
So...one the 10th, he textd me while i was at work and said he was visiting his daughter...I get off at midnight....when i got home....he wasn't there...i looked at my phone and seen 2 txt from him saying that his daughter is acting up because she doesn't want him to leave and she wanted to leave with him and he didnt know what to do. the other text said he was going to wait until she falls asleep to leave....
I know he didn't drive there, so he either caught the bust or got a ride there...but its now 1am....he's still not home...his phone goes straight to vm....its now 3:32am....nothing.....it's now 6am....i told him where he laid his head last night is where he can call his home(text and vm), because we talked about this exact senerio 7mths ago and here it is and he didnt do what he said. he calls me at 7am, i dont answer. he comes home finally at 10am and tries to hug me.........i backed away and pushed his arms away from me.
I gave him his ring back and told him he spent the night by another woman's house and i dont care how his daughter was behaving, because i told him she wouldnt be acting like that if he grabbed his balls and maned up to his bm and tell her he is TAKING his daughter on his visiation days instead of asking and her saying, no, you have to come to my house to see her. He promised me up and down they didnt have sex, but i didn't believe him. he said he slept in their daughter bedrooom....i didnt believe him.
three days later, i took his phone and looked in it and seen a text from her saying, i need a favor....you know, what you did last night.
i hit the door. i took his phone and my phone and i left. i went to my secret location and read all of the messages....there were some text in his inbox saying stuff about, i know why you act the way you act u just trying to protect your heart, but you're the mother of my daughter and we will have an unbreakable bond and she's the mother of my son and thats something you have to understand.
it was stuff he sent to her that she sent back to him (throwing it in his face of what he told her) cuz after those messages he sent to her, she had all caps cursing him out, calling him a liar. There was other stuff in the txt he sent her like...oh..."Tiff knows isly (i still love you), thats y we arent seeing eye to eye"
That was the MAIN thing that pissed me off, because im like...I don't know that....we're seeing eye to eye...what is he talking about.
When i questioned him about it after disappearing for 5hrs (7pm to 12am) he said that was when we were broken up in January and he told her that...I'm like....in January???? Whats the ish about u still love her...and in January, that wasn't even what our disagreement was about, so why are you tellin her this????? He states he was just venting. I said, well go finish venting...you need to leave.
He asking me if I really want him gone, I told him YES. The next day, he came to the house around 1pm and was telling me he promise on heaven and earth he didnt sleep with her when he was there and she had to be talking about babysitting when she asked him what u did last night and he didnt respond to her...(im not believing anything) i was getting ready for work and he's telling me every little thing and that she's just trying to break us up and he just want a relationship with her so she wont fuss at him infront their daughter and get mad at him and take their daughter to Dallas (she's done at least 6 times) and California (she done once) and he just tell her stuff sometimes so she wont fuss.
I told him, F word her feelings, bring her to court and good luck with standing up to her but we were through. He reproposed to me again and I told him I was late for work and I walked out. He called me constantly and I ignored his calls. He texts me "will you marry me" and i ignored it. he sent each text with a count down number, "will you marry me", "10" "9" "8" "7"....when he got to 1 he had a sad face and recounted.
I don't know what to do...I told him I love him so much, I'm in love with him so much, I want to be with him, BUT I love me way more and I wasn't happy with all this going on and I don't trust him. His momma called me, my momma called me, my other child's father momma called me....I dont want to talk to anyone. I haven't really spoke with any other women as far as what the real story is...
I just want to know am I wrong????? Should I believe him???? But if she's trying to break us up, he is the one who sent her those txt messages in January when we were on bad for a few hours and she resent it to him...i guess she saved it in her phone...idk...but my brother read the text and he said it just seemed like he was making peace...i didnt get that at all....
I love him...I really do, but I'm so selfish with him and dont want him tellin no bit.... anything just to butter her up. F word her feelings.
Sorry ladies, for those who really read this all...but I didnt know where else to turn. I usually talk to my sister but she passed in Feb, and my bestie passed too. I just don't know what to do...
:@(
I think the mediator is the best option because you have another person there who is non biased and can't help you guys come to a resolution. Hopefully she would agree to go. I know you love him. Don't worry whether or not you made the right decision or not, so that's why I say give him a second chance but make sure you have this baby momma situation nipped in the bud first.
I hope this helps and keep me posted......
As far as me getting back with him...I'm still thinking about it. I want to....so bad....like really bad...while I was telling him to get out that night, at the same second i said that, in the back of my mind i said, "damn I'm going to miss him, no I don't want you to go," but I was soooo heated. And I thought he sent her the text the same day and was wondering why i was looking at something he told her when his outbox isn't saved. thats when he told me it was old txt he sent her when we were broken up and she saved it and sent it to him. Nothing in the text said anything about them getting back together, but the stuff it did say, was out of line still to me. But I do still love him of course. His momma wants to meet up tonight at a resturant and talk to me.
heres a tiny clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWQsWJTO1bA
I really hope he gets it together b4 its too late watch the movie if u havent and even get him to watch it, all the best & stay strong ((hugs))
As far as us...when his mother took me to the resturant, the Spindletop resturant downtown on the top of the Hyatt hotel, it did calm me a bit just because of the atmosphere of the resturant. it was dimly lit, and the floor rotated continously to view the downtown houston area. I guess it was like an elegant ladies night out with just his momma and i. When the resturant floor of where we were sitting got to one particular area, I turned my head and seen him on one knee singing "You are so beautiful, to me" like on the little rascals movie...in front of the whole resturant. His momma started telling me how she knows all of the women who ever was in his life and i'm the perfect fit for him and she wants me in the family. He got up before the rotation passed him up and came to me and got back down on his knee, telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, he had time to think while he was gone, he feels how it would be without me and it made him sick to his stomach, couldn't eat or sleep, hadn't been to work and he will do what's necesarry to make things right with getting his daughter, and setting things clear with his crazy bm. he told me he's sorry (a word he hates to say) that he was asking too much from me as far as what all i did have to deal with dealing with his bm and if it was the other way around, he didnt know if he could hold his tongue and actions as long as i did as far as how his bm was acting if my son blood dad done it to him. he asked me to be his wife again. i looked at his momma, she had tears, which caused the ones i had to bite my teeth together to keep in fall down. i told him yes, the whole resturant clapped. When our dinner came, he ate so fast! i was like, "you really couldn't eat?" he said no, but he clearly got his appetite back. his momma left at that point.
So now it's serious time as far as getting his baby to us this weekend.
Thank all of you ladies for your support and help. As the days passed, I thought about each and every comment on here. So much love :-)
I mean you are about to make a life time commitment to each other, you dont want to one day find your biggest fears coming true,now is a good time as any to truly set things straight, I hope your actions seriosly shows him how much his lack of dealing with his BM is affecting your relationship....
I hope you come out stronger than ever, I am praying for you and your children, but I am not worried a bit I think you got this....
Be strong lovey,
We love and support whatever decision you will take as long as it comes from you and you only
After reading this over twice (because I wanted to make sure I understood each point you made) there are a lot of different things that need to change. I myself have went through "BM" drama, so I'm very familiar and can understand where the distrust comes into play.
In order to have a fruitful and everlasting marriage you have trust and communication. Those factors are KEY! You do not trust him and don't think you have ever dealt with prior issue you had with him nor put them behind you. I agree with you, actions speak louder than words. However you should believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see. The fact that he shows you messages from his BM is only helping clear himself and doesn't provide you any additonal comfort. You only care about him so her intentions shouldn't matter, it's his intentions that you question.
Men don't know how to deal with conflict and whatever way possible to difuse the situation quickly they will and most of the time it just causes additional heartache to us. In a perfect world he wants to keep both women happy, but hey the world is not perfect and the reality is that it will never happen. He should be concerned about only YOU.
He needs to pick and choose his battles carefully. If he knows that this other girl is "using" his daughter to get to him; then he needs to beat at her own game and not play into it. No law prohibits a women from keeping their child away from the father unless they can prove potential harm to the child. The fact they get in arguments and fights when he comes around, he needs to STOP going to the house to see his daughter. He needs to fight that battle in court and allow the judge to decide where the child can be picked up from. There may have to be an "middleman" to help facilitate this. I could go on on on on about ways to remediate this issue, but it's not going to happen unless your FH wants the situation to change.
I also believe that you should not "snoop" in your FH phone because you are going to find something that you don't want to see and then make assumptions based on your "OWN" preconceived notions. Believe me he is always going to have story to cover the situation, wouldn't you (even if it's true)? This goes back to my first comment, you don't trust him and without trust you have nothing.
You really need to take some time out and think about all the good things and bad things that have come out of the relationship. Weigh them against each other, but most of all you have to be "true" to yourself and where you forsee this relationship going. Doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results is equivalent to insanity! You are dealing with real issues and have to the two of you have to tackle them togehter in order to be on the same accord.
I humbly suggest the both of you to get counseling.....not marriage counseling but relationship counseling. It works, if you allow it to. But both of you have to be open and truthful....I wish you the best.....
wow, i can't imagine what you are going through. i agree with glamdivabride & jerzeegirl17 , and i too think counseling or meeting with a mediator would be best, but i too know what you mean when you say she isn't level headed and wouldn't do it. i commend you for trying. i really do. the fact that you opened your door and tried to talk to her is what made you the woman, and her the *itch. at the end of the day, you, your family, fh & even HER know that your everything she's not, and that's what kills her. jealousy kills and in her case it's coming along slowly. i feel bad that you have to go through this. i think giving back the ring was the right thing to do. i think you need time to let him prove to you that youre the one. and reading how much he's trying, i'm sure things will work out the way they should. (they always do)
with that being said, continue to do you. when the time comes, that you feel youre ready to be with your fh again (engaged) i think things need to be settled and agreements need to be made. there is no reason for him to go to her home to see his child. court court court! do it honey.
i wish you nothing but patients and happiness. if you ever need anything we are all here for you. one family. you can also contact me privately if you ever need anything. take care and good luck!
xox
Actually, when we first started dating, his boy and him went to the pool hall. His boy's girlfriend came to my house, just so we can get to know each other (they lived across the parking lot) She must have called her boyfriend over 10 times asking him where they were, who he was around, what he's doing...over and over on each call. She finally asked me, "Tiffany, why haven't you called Rodney not even one time?" I said, "because I have children already and he's not my child. I'm not about to call him when he told me where he's going." she said, "you give him too much rope around his neck to wonder off. how do you know he is where he say he is" i said, "i trust him. and besides, when i go out, i definately don't want him calling me like that." and about 2 years after that was my very first time looking in his phone. I didn't see anything that had me upset that came from him. What made me look was because i felt he and my lil brother lied to me about where they were and i thought my lil brother covered for him because that's the ONLY person my brother like for me. He checked every person he seen me with except him. He even used to wish i was gay because he didnt want men to mess over me.
I have his phone now thought and Im not rampaging through it. I thought about the good and bad the same night i gave him the ring back and the good outweighted the bad overlapsing multiple times. He has my phone right now and I have his.
With the trust and communication thing...I'm working on communicating...we both are. He did always show me his text though, so I do like that about him. I don't show him mine, but i dont think there isn't anything to show but girly talk. I'm working on trusting him 100%. What I'm doing is thinking of other females I know (like the female who questioned why i didnt call my man while he was away) and how their man messed over them and maybe mine have a possiblity too. But then I remember how they began treating their woman, like....mean and like he didnt even care about her...and mine never done that, so I can't compare him to the others.
We have a forced visitation packet to fill out and we only have to pay the lawyers 100....oh, and we went to counsling...it was a two day weekend thing with our church and the pastor and the friday night was like...romantic dinner in a hotel ballroom with dancing and just sweetness. Then that saturday morning, everyone one got together and he was telling us how his wife and he were before they were married. a bit after that, he proposed. I thought maybe that had something to do with it. But we never done it one on one though. The marraige people had their room and the "dating to marry" people had theirs. It was nice, but not one on one. I didnt think he wanted to be there because i signed us up without telling/asking him first. But some of the things that was said, he began doing. We are about to have our "funeral". Something they said in counceling. We have to both write things down in a notebook...whatever, confessions, secrets, childhood, what we think about eachother, closet stuff, anything and buy a plant, dig a hole, hold hands and pray with each other, kneel down, exchange notebooks, read it in silence, then burry it in the ground...never to dig up again, including bring it up in a conversation. We haven't done it yet, but we're going too this weekend.