I do..but then what...POLL

Trial and tribulations of living together, being together, being married

Great questions. I'd love to hear what everyone has to say about this too. We've lived together for over a year now but haven't quite known each other for two yet. Before he moved in I had no idea what a night owl he was and how much he sleeps in. I'm a morning person and find myself doing a lot of things alone on weekends when I'd rather be doing them with him. He's also much more of a loner than I am so when I want to go out with friends, try new sports etc. he'd rather stay home. I'm trying to figure these things out since I don't want to feel like we have nothing in common...I love him to bits but these things aren't easy to deal with are they? and I know it's only going to get harder when babies are in the mix. Right now it should be easy(ish), shouldn't it?

You've made a very good point and very good questions. We took marriage classes to help us out after the bliss... but I know, no marriage class will help us out...we have to help us out! Amen!!...for giving me a reality check!

I completely agree with your post.  FI and I have been together for 7 years, living together for 3 years.  We're past the whole reality of living together and going through all of the challenges that come after the first 6 "honey"-months pass.  

Communication is the key because sometimes you will compromise and sometimes he will compromise.  It's a give and take, so you have to voice your opinion if you need something and feel strongly about it.

My advice about moving in before/after being married: make sure you have enough space for yourself and he has enough space.  Have your hobbies and activities that are just for you.  You can't be together 365/24/7 because you will get sick of each other.  I sometimes drive 1.5 hours to stay with my parents for the weekend and see my old high school friends.

Blending 2 lifestyles can be very difficult.  We've been together for 4 1/2 years, and have lived together for a total of 2 years in June (we lived together for 1 year moved back home to save money and then decided to live together again last year).  Our case is a bit different than others--when we moved in together our relationship became less stressful.  Before we were both living at home (not the best of conditions with family stress and so forth) and on top of that we were commuting 4 hrs a day for our jobs.  We had rough times because we never had any time to ourselves and we were always on edge--on the weekends we had errands to run and of course see each other but then we had our own things we wanted to do.  It caused us both  A LOT of stress.  Now that we live together--we each can do our own thing in the condo without worrying about "fitting" each other in.  If I ask him to do something he'll do it...I go grocery shopping and make the dinners (we'd live off of PB&J and canned chicken if it was up to him) and he will do the dishes.  He also takes care of teh bills (thank god because I am the worst bill payer).  Don't get me wrong we still have arguements but for the most part we are on the same page.  I have tried to become "neater" with how I lay stuff around and try to put things back where I get them from (Drives FH crazy to have junk around).  He has definitely made me a better person.  Now once we add a baby in the mix---I'll have to get back to you.  He's an only child and well he likes to do what he wants to do and likes all my attention.  lol  So that will be the biggest hurdle for us.  :-)

My thing is I'm a big spender because I'm used to okay I want this so i most definitely have to buy anything that i want i don't have worry about not being able to get it because I have one of those moms that will give it to me although I am frown but my FI isn't like that he has to work hard for everything and things were not just handed to him so he's not a spender like that. Point is I can't do this when I get married, because I don't want that to become one of our biggest issues. I will then have bills and a family to take care of It's not gonna be just me anymore. So I have cut back on spending! I get my moments when i just get the urge to spend but I don't because I think about the wedding and marriage and all. Another thing is food because I'm not a big cooker, Thats one of those things that are done for me. So I working ladies so that I can be a good Wife!

"It was hard cooking a meal that he would eat and that wouldn't make me want to curl up and sleep."

That is EXACTLY us.  
We don't live together, so it's hard to say what we will do. It will be interesting, that's for sure.

wow great comments so far. and great advice about having your own space and hobbies. at first i wanted us to watch the same shows but now sometimes he's in the bedroom and i'm in the living room him watching sports and me american idol. when i have the girls over he goes out with the guys. when he goes to watch a game at a friends house I go to my sister condo to chill

My FH and I have been living together for almost a year and a half. Luckily, it has been surprisingly easy. We like a lot of the same foods, and we both enjoy cooking so we take turns. We like the same tv shows and movies (for the most part). The only thing is that I'm a bit of a neat freak and he is your typical messy guy.

One big issue right now is that he works full time, usually putting in extra hours, while I am unemployed. It's not a financial issue. It's that I sit home alone all day so I want to spend time with him when he gets home. But he is usually pretty exhausted (he also drives over an hour each way) and wants to veg out in front of a video game before heading to bed. It can be a bit frustrating at times, but I know it's just a faze until I can find a job to keep myself occupied.

We've lived together for nearly 2 years now, and our biggest hurdle was the furniture- I like very, very contemporary & modern styles, he loves big, overstuffed, plush, shabby-chic designs. We ended up compromising on a fairly plush sofa set with clean lines & added to the decor using warm but neutral colors that we could both agree on (I'd rather it all be black, white & red and he'd rather it be grey and blue though!)

Other than that, there hasn't been many other problems as far as adjusting to living together- we're both night owls which is nice, but he will easily sleep for much, much longer than I do- I'm usually the first up and most of the time I have to drag him out of bed sometime in the afternoon otherwise he'd stay there for weeks! That gets irritating but I try to let it slide since he does work 2 jobs & he's a full time student.

The only other big issue has been food- I was brought up learning to stockpile food in the pantry and to use what was already available before going out shopping for new things... him on the other hand, would rather go grocery shopping daily and rarely, if ever bothers looking in the cupboard when he's making dinner! that really does drive me mad. Not to mention, my diet's done a total 180- I went from having a near vegetarian diet to one full of starch & red meat. Now that I've complained for nearly a year about it, he's finally given in and agreed to have a few more vegetarian & fish based meals once in a while since I just can't digest that much starch & red meat without starting to feel sick constantly.

As for hobbies, personal space etc- All I ask is that he writes down his schedule on the calendar & gives me a heads up about things so that I know what's going on and how I can plan around it. He's not particularly good at it tbh, but for the most part we're rarely ever away from each other anyway. The office is his personal space- he goes in there to get away from the hassle of the dog etc. and he has it set up the way he wants it (my only requirement was that the desk didn't go on any interior walls as I couldn't bare to have the bass from his music pounding through anymore!) and I spend most of my time in either the living room or on the porch. When we build a house, we've agreed that we'll have 2 rooms each- he'll have his office and "man's room" and I'll have my den & a craft room that we can each decorate however we want and the other person cannot condemn it. Then the communal areas of the house will be decorated by both of us.

As far as bills and chores go- he's responsible for paying all the bills as I don't currently work. He has very little he has to do at home in the way of chores- I only ask that he keeps the office tidy (since I don't go in there often), that he puts his clothes in the laundry hamper and that if I ask for help that he at least does the one or two things I'm asking in a timely manner. Otherwise, I clean the rest of the house, do the laundry, take care of the pets, run all the errands etc. When I do have a job (stupid economy!!), my paycheck is used for the savings and/or luxury things- nights out, fancy dinners, etc. and I still do all the things around the house.

great post marta!

my fh & i have been to pre marital counseling, & i consider it to be more of an investment than 'something required'.  being newlyweds seems fun, but then life settles in & there is so much that is required in a lifelong committment.

we both really believe in communication, commitment, compromise, & open mindedness, with a foundation of love.

i have never lived with any man, so i this is an area where i have to be open minded & accept his ways, while accomodating to mine.   we have spent alot of time at each other's places, so we have a good idea of each others ways.   he is very organized, i am very messy!  i am a planner, he is a spontaneous man.  he is budget savvy, i consider budgets and kind of go off faith that i wont go over, lol.  he is extremely analytical...very black & white, no gray.  me...i'm a mix.  but with our differences we somehow balance.  

we are both family oriented, but value our privacy.  we love our friends & family members, but are both very protective over our personal time & space.  we also share faith values, & see eye to eye on disciplinary and educational specifics when the time comes to have a family.

while we are in agreement with most things, it will still be a challenge just moving in together & sharing our lives.  he respects my personal time with my girls, & dosen't flip the script on me during those times.  as long as i balance my time with him, & keep it honest, he's cool.  he loves my food, & we relate in that area.  we've been together 6 years, and i look forward to a lifetime together, but i know it wont always be easy.  i pray alot, so i have to honestly just keep God first, and rely on His ways.  i think the kinks will fall into place.

oh, & i have decor issues like sapphire.  he is old school, traditional.  he loves african art EVERYWHERE!  i love it too, but enough is enough!  i like clean lines & cozy chic stuff.  i'm a hardwood floors, pier one, pottery barn kinda girl.  i don't like a million pics on one wall, unless they make sense.  he has like 4 layers of curtains on one window so that ppl don't see us, lol!  i do like privacy & coverage, but come on now.  i don't know how to handle this.

i have tried to compromise & tell him that he gets a room to decorate, then i get a room, & so on & so forth.  he's not feeling that.

then, i mentioned us going room by room.  he give up something, & i give up something, & we meet in the middle with our things.  we both come from fully furnished places.  he's having none of that either.

now, i just mention us starting fresh together, but ummmm, hoe expensive is that!  maybe one or two rooms, but not a whole house.  mr. budget friendly fh is for that!  what?!  

i'm gonna need him to just let me have the final vote on this.  i know i'm probably wrong for that, but i can't get him to play fair!

I may be the lucky one. My husband and I sorta grew up together.. he is my step 3rd cousin, so being in the same family, we already had a lot in common. Personality wise, food wise... stuff like that. The difference between being together, living together and being married...

ok.. being together... there was a lot more passion.... living together... it sorta burns out.... and we try to find ways to keep it there. We realized after moving in together, this was the long haul. The only other man I've ever lived with was my ex husband, and I am the only woman he's ever lived with. Now with being married... you have that extra security you didn't have when we were just living together. And as time goes by, we blend together even more.

oh I feel for you girls who have decor issues. my dad and mom had issues well not so much my dad....my mom did when my dad would just show up with a piece of furniture that didn't go anywhere lol

I'm lucky that my hubby leaves the decorating up to me. He pretty much never interferes. I've got the house all girly and he has no problem with it. In my family, the man pays the bills, the woman makes the house a home. We're pretty old fashioned.

I love this question!

ok Ive been living with my fh for over a year now here are a few things ive learned:

1. he will help me with anything house related if i ask but doesn't take the iniative to do it on his own lol
2. his bank and checkbook and all the bills would be chaos if I didnt exist in his life lol
3.he could care less about any sort of house decor

the biggest problem we had was just having too much time together, sounds weird but when when we moved in together we had also taken jobs at the same company. We worked full time, same shift and schedule. Our desks were even right next to each other. So even though we saw each other ALL the time. We weren't spending in quality time together.  Recently I quit my job and it has helped tremendously! I'm in a better mood because I hated my job! I have time to do all the errands, and housecleaning while he works. Now on his off days we actually look forward to seeing each other. We pay attention to each other more and appreciate the time instead of take it for granted.

every relationship will have kinks at first when adjusting to living together . its about finding out what works best for you and your man and making the neccesary tweaks and adjustments.

my biggest advice is to make sure u both have me time, make sure you still go on dates and swoon each other! Living together should never replace actually "being" together time. Its not the same! Just a perk that you never have to leave your man haha.

oh and 1 more thing, my fh and i constantly fight over the thermostat, he burns me up lol, and sleeping with him is like sleeping next to a oven. I'll be in tee and panties on top of the covers with a fan and he'll be in sweats under 5 blankets and shivering lol.

One VERY PRACTICAL and SIMPLE thing we do in order to help with compromise is that we will ask how important something is on a scale of 1-10.

If it is extremely important to me I will say an 8 or 9.  Or, if it is not so important I'll say 3 or 4 or 5 depending.  Then we can compare our numbers.  

Often we find ourselves arguing about something that is either not that important to both of us OR something that is REALLY important to one but not so much to the other.  

This helps to put our ideas in a new light and makes compromising MUCH EASIER.

Another thing I would suggest is to NOT keep score.  It doesn't matter who gives in more or does more or whatever more . . .. keeping score only leads to hurt and frustration and is totally NOT worth it.

And, I also think it is important to be QUICK to forgive.  and then to leave the past in the past.  Bringing up old hurts helps no one.

I hear ya! Being marrieriends and10 years is no joke! We do have a set schedule for our children, family. Our dates are every M, W, Sat., for ourselves and the rest is the chiildren. We hav movie nite, menu nite, adventure day (once a month), It's very imortant to still have dates and me time as well.

Oh and in marriage.. it is NOT 50/50. Nobody can agree where the middle is... therefore you can't determine each persons... half effort.... it's 100/100. ;)

That means even if he's been a butthead and wants to sit, I have to cook.. and clean after I feed him.....

But that also goes my way when I'm having a bad day. And neither of us gripes at the other for it.

And LaRhonda is completely right... you HAVE to keep dating after you get married. You HAVE TO!