This is pb2myj's Green Wedding!

I'm back girls!! It's been a while I know- I got depressed over being broke and having to push the wedding back to an unknown date... but I miss planning and hopefully I can get some insight from you guys about locations and whatnot.

Doheny Park is out of the question- I can't imagine paying that much just for a stupid permit and ranger. $10 per car for parking, and you can;t pre-pay- it's the state of California's way of sucking money out of it's already way underpaid residents. My man and I have gone through a lot for awhile now and I stopped planning the wedding because of money issues- still don't have money, but reconsidering my location. We decided leaving San Diego would be the best thing to help us get on our feet- you just can't survive there unless you work 2 jobs or got lucky being a trust fund baby. Some ideas that have been swirling through my head- but just can't find a beach location in SD that I can commit too.. mostly because the locations I'd choose are not wheel chair accessible unfortunately. :0(

Twilight fans- I know you all love the gazebo decor at the prom right?? haha I know everyone loves it, but I'd love to have a reception gazebo if I can't find a gazebo for the wedding on the beach... the ceremony will more than likely be very short and we probably won't even need chairs.... or maybe only a few chairs for the people who need to sit?? Any ideas girls? Back on for panning, it's been way too long and I need to focus on something positive for once!

SInce we decided on our ceremony location I've had a lot of second thoughts because they want so much money for literally a 20 minute ceremony. We have to pay for a ranger to be there at $70/hr., a required 4 hour minimum(how convenient) on top of charging the guests $10 to go in the park, on top of the like $400 just to have the ceremony there... all of this for a State park. California sucks! lol

Sorry for the rant above, I just find it ridiculous how much places charge just to use the site. Robbing people just because it's a wedding. Anyways I came across a wedding blog with a the wood branches bent into a heart shape for decor. I fell in love with the idea of a hanging heart and decided I want one, but instead of branches I want to find drift wood that can be shaped into a heart. The only driftwood heart I could find online was the one I have a picture of, but I think I just want 2 pieces of driftwood so you can see the ocean through it still. What you girls think??

Also fell in love with the parasol ideas I've seen. I love the thank you ones that people have used, but I think using it in the sand as a sign seemed really cool to me... but I'd definitely be making this myself... I've seen some prices and OUCH. I've seen some how to's on printing and tracing fonts... so maybe that will be what I'll have to do. If you have any how-to's on this I'd love to have the link(s)!

I included the pictures of the gazebo we're getting married in and also a picture with a beach wedding... I'll be hanging fabric/tulle in greens and oranges, possibly black from the gazebo as well... And don't forget the shepherd hooks holding my kissing balls lining the aisle!


:0) I'm getting excited all over again!

Since deciding to move the wedding date back all the fall wedding ideas have been flowing like crazy- I think a fall wedding is really more me and I'm starting to get so excited about all the fall/autumn things I can add to the wedding theme... because it's definitely changing!! I originally wanted an apple/bright green black and white damask prints and ivory accents... and now I think I want to add orange in the mix! :0)

With the candy apple buffet I think it could be fairly cheap and something fun for the kids as well with so many toppings to choose from! Has anyone thought about doing this or has done this? I'm looking for inspiration on what toppings to include and ideas on presentation.

So as many of you may have noticed I haven't been active on here in quite some time. Since we decided to push the date forward because of having to buy a car a lot has been going on and the wedding has been on the backburner.

My last post was me excited about getting the LapBand- well turns out my insurance won't cover it under any circumstances, even because I am getting the surgery to help a genetic condition not caused by being overweight, but definitely worsens with being overweight.

I am stuck at home once again in pain and can't work, which makes me zero dollars because there is no such thing as "partial disability".

Anyways, FH and I are doing pretty good, we've done a lot of talking and I feel closer than ever. Funny how quickly things can look up after some positive vibes.

Everyone around me is getting engaged and pregnant and it's an exciting time right now! FH and I have discussed eventually leaving San Diego and buying a house out of state- but who knows where... this is all way off.. but I'm sick of paying rent in San Diego, when I could be paying the same on a mortgage on my own home somewhere else!

Anyways- I think FH and I want to do the courthouse thing.... and then the wedding next fall- Sooo nervous about doing this... but I want to be his wife already! lol Off to wedding searching again.. it's been awhile!

So as I went through the different options I have, I've decided on the LapBand. I'm nervous and scared, but I know it will help me make the healthy lifestyle changes I need to make. I've already gone to my seminar, I just have to fill out a few forms and fax them to the surgeon's office. About a week later I should be setting a consult for surgery and then I will have a one-day class, including insurance and nutritionist information to help plan out my new diet. About 2 weeks after should be my surgery date, I can't wait! Since we've also decided to push our wedding date it gives me time to drop weight and feel great. I've been having FH drag me to the gym.. it's just hard to get in the routine... but I'll get there!

Does anyone have any tips or info?

I've been looking into fall wedding ideas- October is my favorite time of the year, and I'm a huge Halloween fan. I love the colors of fall.. and since we no longer have a date set, I figured I have time to really look into more options. So although it sucks we had to put off the wedding to buy a new car I'm beginning to think I'd much rather have a fall wedding since it's my favorite season. Here's some photos of ideas I've loved!

Pic 1) I'm loving the carved pumpkin ideas for decor!

Pic 2) Cranberry Champagne- love it!

Pic 3) Using Mason Jars as candle holders... such a cost effective idea!

Pic 4) Using a pumpkin as a cooler- how awesome is that?

Pic 5) The picture that inspired the fall wedding ideas... I love the different fall colors all of the BMs are wearing!

Pic 6) Any one know what these orchards are called? They're crazy looking! Think they'd look funky with calla lilies!

Pic 7) Random flower pics... lovin the fresh/cozy feel!

Just a forewarning.. this is going to turn into a rant probably.

Sooo as my last post shows.. we were preparing to postpone the wedding a while because we needed to buy a new car.... and now we will need to hold the wedding off, hopefully not more than 6-9 months, but we'll see. I'm pretty bummed... but also excited because we got a 2006 Scion XB and we love it!

Our experience with the dealership was HORRIBLE. FIrst we're told the day after we signed we'd get the car, then the next day they say it just needs the windshield replaced, every time we call we have to deal with some new asshole that has no clue what the hell is going on . So the manager assures us he will call us first thing in the morning... morning comes and go and we still just keep getting their voicemails. Finally the guy who sold us the car gets in and delivers the car to me while I'm at work... like the last 40 mins of my day. I wasn't pissed at the sales guy, because he wasn't there the day everything went sour, but I was so pissed that these people couldn't pick up a phone and communicate with each other and with us, the customers. Then I keep getting random calls about paperwork to furnish to them, in which I had already gave them and even had to give them a paystub TWICE. Then sales guy calls us Friday and says we are getting a better deal and to come re-sign the paperwork- they dropped the price $1600 and extended the loan period. So we're stoked because it's saving us $97 a month. We get there and the asshole manager is trying to use this poor woman as the middle man telling us we need to put another $500 down because he's losing $500 if he sells the car at that price. ARE YOU F-N KIDDING ME? We already traded in my car plus $1100 down payment!!! We of course said hell no and the damn chicken shit wouldn't even face me and my fiance! The woman agreed with each and every single complaint we had with that dealership and she went ahead and had us sign the contract at the lower payments, extended loan period and the $1600 knocked off the price. Needless to say I'm sure the $500 loss will hurt less than my finace's fist would have, but we will be filing a complaint with the BBB and hopefully getting some people disciplined for their BS customer service... aka inconvenience.

I'm just happy that the lady let us sign at what was in the computer without the extra cash. I just feel so horrible for having to vent to her... even though I kept apologizing over and over because I knew it wasn't her fault, but the managers. Whew what a week.. I haven't even though about the wedding until today! Back to feelin bummed about putting the wedding off, but oh well.. we got our car! :0)

For any brides in SOCAL NEVER EVER go to Pacific Honda!

Like my POS car. Today me and FH spent half the day in the ER because he's had flu like symptoms... they do the whole test runs and find nothing.. his fever has even gotten to 103.5 so I'm worried about him.

My car is 10 yrs old nearing 200K miles on it, so of course it's falling apart.. and we need to buy a new one because I'm soooo sick of putting money I don't have into a car. FH and I got to talking while waiting for test results today and decided we may have to move the wedding date back because we know my car isn't going to hang in there for much longer. Half of me is torn up about having to change our wedding date, but the other half is happy we haven't put any deposits down for the big stuff.

Since I've been considering weight loss surgery maybe this will give me the opportunity to look and feel my best.. just at a later date. We've also discussed a courthouse wedding and having the "big wedding" later on. This isn't at all how I thought this wedding planning would be, but I'm just glad to have him by my side and we'll get through this... I just wish life was a little easier sometimes.

I went to Marshall's today looking for the Damask bags with initials and was disappointed because they only had 2 letters, only 1 I could use for my bridesmaids so I decided not to get them, so while looking around I found a set of 5 damask hangers for $4.99! I will give the hangers as part of the bridesmaid gifts and use them for a photo opt! :0)

I also found the damask frame for $6.99... excited the trip wasn't useless! lol

? What are your first names?
Laci & Ryan(well his first name is really James, but he's always gone by his middle name..lol)

? How long have you been together?
1 year and 4 months today. :0)

? How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We talked on the phone/internet for a few days, but met that same week and 2 days later we were together!

? Who asked who out?
He asked me!

? How long did it take to get serious?
It got serious really quick and we both didn't want to rush into it, but we just clicked and fell in love,

? How old are each of you?
We're both 24... he's 2 months older than me..hehe

? Whose siblings do/ did you see the most?
My half brother and my step-brother. His older brother lives in Australia(I haven't met him yet) and his little brother just passed and I only got to meet him once. :0(

? Do you have any children together?
not unless you count our cats..haha someday!

? What about pets?
we adopted 2 kittens from the same litter- Xander & Kai... our practice children!

? Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
our financial status... we make enough to get by, but planning a wedding is seeming impossible. :0(

? Did you go to the same school?
Nope, he was a military brat and moved all around, I was born and raised in San Diego.

? Are you from the same home town?
nope!

? Who is smarter?
He is a fountain of useless knowlege.. if we ever were stuck in Cash Cab we'd win! lol

? Who is more sensitive?
I am... for sure.... im overly emotional sometimes..lol

? Where do you eat out most as a couple?
we rarely eat out, but most of our "dates" have been at Olive Garden

? Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We flew to vegas(on seperate planes) for a company event.... I never even used my hotel room! lol

? Who has the craziest exes?
we both got sexy eyes..tehhehe

? Who has the worst temper?
he's got a short fuse, but I'm easily irritated too.

? Who does the cooking?
both of us, majority prolly me.

? Who is more social?
His middle name should be social..lol

? Who is the neat-freak?
definitely me!!!

? Who is the most stubborn?
Both of us are, but soemtimes I think he has a much thicker skull than even me..lol

? Who hogs the bed?
both of us!

? Who wakes up earlier?
I do on work days, it's hard to get him up! He's a grump in the mornings, and since I'm not a morning person... yikes! lol

? Where was your first date?
Our first real date was seeing The Bank Job... but the 2 days prior we had gone to the beach!

? Who has the bigger family?
he does!

? Do you get flowers often?
I've gotten flowers once... for our anniversary. He has this whole thing about giving flowers that when a girl gets them they instantly think he's done something bad...lol Even though this is true- I told him I want flowers! lol

? How do you spend the holidays?
Christmas we spent at my mom's house, his parents live in Ohio.

? Who is more jealous?
hmmm dunno.

? Who eats more?
probably me.... but that's changing..lol

? Who does/ did the laundry?
he does it occasionally... I do most of it.

? Who’s better with the computer?
he definitely is!

? Who drives when you are together?
mostly me, since it's my car, but he drives sometimes.

? What are your astrological signs?
I'm a Pisces and he's a Sagittarius

? How tall are each of you?
I'm 5'9" and he's 5'7"

? How do each of you work?
We both work for a university, but at different locations now.

? Is that what you went to school for?
Nope, that's why we are working at a university, to get our degrees for FREE! lol

I won't go in to specifics, but I am considering gastric bypass surgery. I know it is major. My step-dad had it back before they made sure the person was mentally ready for the lifestyle changes. He had a really hard time with it and he was miserable. But my godmother also had gastric bypass surgery and it was the best thing she ever did, and was mad at herself for not doing it sooner. So I've seen how it can negatively affect one person, and positively affect another.

My first seminar about weight loss surgery is tonight and I'm feeling a little bit excited to finally learn more about it and see if it is for me. I've tried dieting, tried excercising. I have a condition that sometimes makes it very painful and difficult to work out on a routine basis, and working out can actually increase the flare up in my condition so my doctor has asked me to discuss weight loss surgery with my internal medicine doc and see where to go from there because he feels weight loss will definitely help my condition.

I was just curious if any brides have had gastric bypass surgery and how it went for you and what to expect.

Thanks Ladies!

So here it is.. my first kissing ball!

I bought bunches of ivory carnation silk flowers from Dollar Tree, styrofoam/floral 3" balls and floral glue and a glue gun and glue sticks at Michaels.

Got pins at Walmart- and was lucky enough to have a fellow WBC bride buy the damask ribbon ay Hobby Lobby and send it to me!

What do ya girls think?

PS a personal thank you to futuremrst!

This last weekend FH and I went to my mom's for a BBQ and swimming. I started telling my mom that I was going to get a free book from shutterfly that could have our pictures on one side and empty lines on the right side instead of spending money on one of those guestbook picture frames I loved... and then she's like "you're ruining the surprise!!" lol whoops apparently she got me one for when I have a bridal shower... she says my dad always used to do that too.. ruin his surprises! Ahh well I'm super excited! I love my Mom!

Oh but I still will be making a shutterfly book with lines for more lengthy notes!

So stoked... So for those of you who haven't read my blog before I ordered a custom ring bearer pillow and flower girl basket from Tegan at herecomeseternity.webs.com for $40. Unfortunately our monitor colors were off and the fabric she originally did was waaayyyyy off so she told me she wanted me to love it and to find the fabric i wanted. so i found fabric I liked- and sent it all back to her and I just got them back in the mail today and I absolutely LOVE them!

What you girls think?

I don't know if I will have a flower girl since everyone I know has boys..lol... but I'm sure I will find someone!

Attached is also pictures of me and my little brother, who will be my ring bearer! :0)

Ok.. so for the last few years I've gone back and forth between having black or dark brown hair and blond. I have natural light brown/ dark blondish hair but I always had it blond, so that's what most people remember me having. But I've been rocking the black hair for months now and my man loves the dark hair... LOVES. LoL... but as I started looking at older pictures I can't make up how I want my hair. I went with rocking the black because it's so much cheaper than keeping up the blonde. I also have rocked the platinum blonde on top and almost black underneath... I need your votes ladies!!!

Blonde
Black
Light Brown/ Blonde
Blonde/ dark underneath

I'm doing a pin-up/ vintage feel so either black or blonde will go perfect... just can't decide!..lol If I need to go back to blonde... I need to start the transition now! lol

I've had weird dreams about the wedding before... but I knew I was dreaming then... last night's nightmare felt so real I woke up shaking and crying!

In the dream it was about a half hour before the ceremony... for some reason we were in a hotel getting ready and I looked in the mirror and my hair and make-up was horrible.. not at all what I wanted and I couldn't find my bra.... now for some people this wouldn't be a big deal.. but lordy I have a big chest... so in my dream I was freaking out. Then in comes my MOH into the room and she's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, her hair isn't done and either is her make-up... Just as I'm about to start crying she tells me that FH is no where to be found... I immediately run to his hotel room and his cell is sitting on the table and I have no way of finding him. I start running around the hotel asking everyone if they've seen him... I break down on the floor in the Lobby and that's when I woke up crying.

I text FH about the nightmare this morning and he told me "Baby, you know that would never happen" I love this man so much... Why do we gotta have all these nightmares.. ugh! Needless to say, I've been in a funk all morning over the nightmare.. but just happy thats all it was, a nightmare!

I know I've seen brides post about their nightmares.. what ones have you had?

If you've read my previous post, the last 2 weeks have been nothing but hell for me and the FH. Last week I had to rush him to the ER because of severe adverse reactions from a new medication, I've been super sick and still have a double ear infection and pink eye. I thought Tuesday couldn't have gotten worse because my cousin dropped out of being a bridesmaid. I was so wrong.

Apparently FH's little brother, Marty who is mentally handicapped had died. The worst part about all of this is that my FH was very very close to his little brother and he was going to be his Best Man... FH is crushed.... and so am I. I only met his brother once last year when they were visiting for a family reunion, but I'm glad I got to meet him before he passed.

FH wants nothing more than to be in Cincinnati, Ohio for his brother's funeral on Saturday- he's been waiting 2 days for our work to tell him they won't give him a payday advance, yet they've given people payday advances so they wouldn't get evicted from their homes.... I am so flippin pissed at this place... straight up disgusted.

Not only that, but they gave him some cut and paste out of the handbook type response and now plane tickets are $200 more than they were 2 days ago.. its fucking bullshit. People told him to contact airlines because they usually will give you a discount because it's a death situation.. but he contacted some and they wanted more than the online sites like orbitz had... how is that a discount you idiots? I'm sorry I just really needed to vent because I can't stand seeing my FH so tore up, he'll never forgive himself if he can't make it to his funeral.. and I really don't want him to feel that way. He needs to be there for closure.

Also... I don't have money for flowers, let alone gas to get to work... but I really want to send something to his parents.... What should I do?

This world is so unfair at the worst times. When it rains it fucking pours.

I'm home sick from work.. under docs orders... with the worst ear ache, cold sweats and all the other annoyances that come with being sick.. and my cousin who lives in Baltimore found out her and her hubby's offer on a house went through, I'm so excited for her. Then she brought up that they won't be able to come to the wedding since they had to borrow money from her hubby's parents to buy the house which means their tax return for next year is already gone. I'm so over this wedding shit.

If I can't have the people I want there then what's the point?

Also, me and the FH have been so broke I have pretty much put the wedding on a hold for now. With only about 9 months left.. I can't help but wonder if this wedding is even going to happen. Maybe just going to the courthouse is a better idea... I'm sick of being stressed out over the wedding party and who and who can't commit to being in it.. not being able to make any wedding purchases.. I'm pretty much ready to give up on it.

So now that my cousin is out as a BM, so is her daughter as my flower girl... which leaves me no flower girl. One of my other BMs still hasn't replied to any texts I've sent her over the last couple weeks.

Like I said I'm just over it all.

First pic is a pretty common photo I've seen on tons of other brides blogs, but I truly love the green tablecloth with damask table runners. Our chairs will be covered with black covers and a green sash.. if I can find the right green.... any other green brides having this issue with finding the right shade of green?

Second pic is of a cake stand I loveeee, but can't find it available anywhere... if you know of something similar please let me know! :0)

Third pic is just a pic I love.. nothing I am really going to have at my wedding, but it gets the wheels going! :0)

Such an easy way to make pretty signs! I was originally going to buy stands, but these paper ones are wayyyy too cute!

Okay.. so most people are into the fondant cakes that look like a complete piece of art.. but I'm more for the cakes that LOOK yummy!
My problem is not knowing what to even call it. I love these two wedding cakes covered in white chocolate shavings!

I've been having a hard time finding any like them... I need help ladies! lol I'm so clueless!

I also love the cakes where the icing looks whipped all over and has an uneven texture. I love the first cake to the left... but we would probably only get a 3 layer, because I want cupcakes too! The silver platter is nice as well. I plan on doing the rhinestone "F" for the cake topper!

I saw this on another brides blog and loveeeeeee the flower girl dresses. I'm not one for the big poofy ones that look like little brides themselves. I'm not exactly sure who my flower girl will be right now because my cousin(one of my BMs) still isn't sure if she is gonig to be able to make it out to San Diego for the wedding and I was planning on having her oldest daughter Audrey be my flower girl... but since we aren't sure yet I still want to find a dress for her.

My question to other brides out there is if anyone knows of similar dresses anywhere? This one is at USAngels.com

I really love how simple yet classic it looks since it reminds me of Peter Pan(wendy) and I think it will go well with my wedding dress.


***Update- since my cousin won't be attending our wedding, her daughter won't be there to be my flower girl either... so we may not have one now..:0(***

The other day my FH told me he had figured out the perfect song that he wants me to walk down the aisle to... because the traditional tunes just don't fit my personality... We love the live version below... Hellogoodbye "Oh It Is Love"... I don't think he could have picked a better song, I'm sooo happy!

So far these are the top 2 choices on BM dresses. I posted some hairstyles I love, along with others on a previous post that I love... just to give my girls some options. The makeup, I'm not too fond of the colors, but the style in which she has it applied.

Tell me what you think!

Finally stopped being lazy and took pics of a few items I've bought recently.

pic 1) French Damask wired ribbon my mom spotted on the bottom shelf at a Joann's fabrics for like $4/$5 a roll- 3 yard rolls(I bought the only 3 they had)... I went to another Joann's location and they only had 1 roll left... but I like it more than any other damask type ribbons I've seen... and it's cheaper than online. I will be using these as the bouquet wraps! sooo pretty!

pic 2) FH was the one who wanted this really bad- a wax seal stamper. it says our intials in small and a big F for his last name... to seal our envelopes for our invitations. We found the wax at Michaels.

pic 3) SO this package took forever to get here and there was a foreign exchange fee on my bank account I was wondering about- turns out it came all the way from Hong Kong!!! I was never told this on the webpage and I even used PayPal- and didn't have a clue!! Lingsmoments.com is pretty much bunk. I ordered 2 and 4 karat sized acrylic diamond confetti.. and I got all 1 karat sizes! I will find use for them, but apparently I'm going to buy some elsewhere... and the green is off, but I'll find a use for them!! Also got the green ribbon!

pic 4) Small black and white damask appetizer/cake paper plates I found at Target for $2/10 pack.

pic 5) A favor for my bridesmaids... they check this site- so this will be the only thing they know about!! lol Cute magnet frames $1/each at Target

So yesterday was exactly 2 weeks since our engagement pictures were taken and I decided to e-mail our photographer, and this morning I got an e-mail from him saying he was glad I had e-mailed him because he's out of town and didn't have my e-mail address! Never hurts to ask!!! LoL So here's some I like from about the 150 he took of us. Definitely going to consider him for our actual wedding photos, whether he's pricey or not..lol- *note to self- check price packages again...* lol

I also had a big wake-up call that I need to make a major lifestyle change and hit the gym again and start watching what I'm eating again... I want to lose about 2 dress sizes by next March. I know I can do it and the bad pictures I felt super fat in are definitely motivating me..lol Turning this into a positive instead of a negative... I want to make sure I stay healthy and don't go downhill. I've always been overweight, but otherwise healthy... so to the gym I go! WIsh me luck!

I stumbled across a site and e-mailed her and within 24hrs she has made my ring bearer pillow and flower girl basket custom... I loveeeeee them!!! $40 for both!! Free shipping!

The green is a little off in the pictures BTW.. I'll take pictures with my cam as soon as I get them!! ;0)

Here's her site!
http://herecomeseternity.webs.com

***Update- so I received them in the mail and the green is waaay off (just like the pictures) so I am going to the fabric store and sending them back to Tegan with the material I like, and she's gonig to re-do them for me! I'm sad because they are soooo gorgeous, but the green just won't work... once I get the right green fabric and they're re-done, they will be PERFECT!! :0)***

PS- Thanks Tegan!!

****Updated 2- Put up pic of only fabric I could find in the color green I want!- got to send it all back to her so she can re-make them- I can't wait!****

FH and I had our pictures taken by a professional photographer who offered to take our engagement pics for free since he's trying to build up his San Diego portfolio since he's from the East coast. My question to all you brides out there, How much gratuity should I give him? We were photographed for about an hour and a half and he will be doing general lighting edits and they will be put on cd and on a website for me. Help a girl out! I will be actually purchasing a few prints to hang in frames as well.

I've been having some really good crys lately. I'm a happy person.. and where I am now compared to a year ago is a total 360. I was pretty much homeless- luckily my man and I got through it together and have our own place, decent jobs with good benefits... but there are just sooo many things stressing me out.. I needed to vent. Even if no one reads I need to vent.

Today my FH went to a skelital and muscular specilist for his back pains and found out he may have early onset degenerative disk disease. He's 24 and his dad was diagnosed with it at 27. The doctor pretty much told him he could be in a wheelchair by 35.... he wanted the blunt truth of what COULD happen. His dad is still mobile, so I'm hoping they can help do whatever they can to let him keep his normal active lifestyle... he loves snowboarding and whatnot and it kills me that he may lose his mobility someday. Nonetheless nothing is defenitive until he has an MRI done.. today they only did a xray and next week they'll schedule the MRI. I'm trying to stay positive, but its hard to with this sort of thing.

And the wedding... well planning is pretty much at a standstill since our budget has been so tight lately. I can't buy anything, I can't make anything and it's making me feel like my wedding is gonig to end up a mess. My MOH and one bridesmaid is on the other side of the country as I've posted before and honestly I don't feel it's helping at all since you can't do much planning thousands of miles away.... One of my bridesmaids that lives near is a mom and doesn't have reliable transportation so we really havent even talked much about anything. I feel like I'm alone in this planning since I only have had 1 bridesmaid who has actually made time for planning with me. I feel so alone. I'm supposed to be excited and happy, and yet I feel so crappy because I have so many things I want to do for my wedding and I can't financially afford it right now. I'm even considering moving the date back further if it gets closer and things haven't changed.... I want my day to be how I want it and so far I'm so scared I won't be able to pull it together. My FH tells me to stop stressing that everything will be ok, but how can I not worry when I have 10 months left to go and I feel like I've accomplished so little? Then there's everyone around me who's lucky enough to have families paying for everything... it just makes me so depressed.

And the thing that bothers me the most? My dad not being alive to walk me down the aisle. I know I'm not alone on this, but I know that all of the crappy things I've gone through after he died would have never happened if he was still around... why is death so f-n greedy?

I couldn't find what I want online but these are very similar minus the greenery. In one of my posts below I had a centerpiece vase and bouquets with white calla lillies, but after my Mom and I went to the Bridal Bazaar I decided I want black AND white calla lilies... they're sooo gorgeous together!! I also bought green, black and clear acrylic diamond table confetti for in the square vases and to spread across the table tops.

My mom also found ribbon to wrap the bouquets with that match the damask theme. I've searched high and low for damask ribbon... I don't know why it's so hard to find when damask is so popular!! If anyone knows of black and white damask ribbon for sale online please let me know!

My grandma called me a few nights ago and let me know she reserved the clubhouse where she lives for our reception. Since my father passed away when I was 15 and my mom has a very tight budget like myself and my FH parents aren't really involved in the actual wedding I figured this would be the cheapest way to go instead of paying a pretty penny elsewhere. Only a deposit is required, so you can imagine how much money I will be saving, plus there are already huge round tables that sit 8-10 people and chairs. I will have to rent chair covers since the chairs their are a mauve color, so if anyone in San Diego can let me know of any cheap rental places it would be appreciated! :0) Here's some pics of the clubhouse I found online, once I go up there again I'll post pics of the actual room we're using. It's on top of a hill overlooking the Palomar Mountain area, a beautiful view!