This is sapphire2009's Blue Wedding!

I know it's a pretty sad thing, but even now, 7 months on, I still can't watch a wedding on TV, in a movie, etc. without wanting to curl up and cry. Why? I'm not entirely sure- perhaps it has something to do with how unsatisfied and pissed off I still am about my own. How I didn't get that perfect day. How much I hated nearly everything in my wedding. It was NOTHING like how I'd wanted it to be. It was nothing like how I'd ever imagined my wedding to be. It was so much stress, so much planning, so many details, such a lack of communication and it was completely what everyone else wanted. All I could think in the weeks leading up to it, and the day of was how much of a disaster it was. I didn't want the wedding by the end of it all. I didn't want the marriage. I didn't want any of it.

And yet, the strangest thing is... I miss the planning. I miss looking at all of the beautiful weddings on various blogs. I miss picking up bargains at TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Michaels etc. and making things look cute. I miss designing invitations and other paper needs. I miss coming up with cute ideas and planning that this will go here, or that will go there.

I've deleted nearly all of the wedding blogs from my RSS reader. I don't visit Weddingbook on Facebook anymore. I'll still flip through the occasional bridal magazine while I'm waiting in line at the grocery store but that's about it these days. Or if I'm extremely bored, I'll watch a wedding show- but I have to flip it off before they show the actual wedding. I can only watch the planning part otherwise I bawl my eyes out in frustration and disappointment and wonder why that couldn't have been me.

I feel like the $12k that was spent, should've been enough to have given me a somewhat decent wedding- not necessarily anything over the top, but something that was pretty, enjoyable and nice. I shouldn't have had to fight tooth and nail for every little thing I wanted. I should've been able to have had a say in my own wedding. I should've been able to have said no, i don't want that. I should've been able to cap the number of people my ex-MIL invited. I should've had a wedding where I actually knew the guests, Where I was genuinely in love with the groom, where I had supportive bridesmaids, and a dress I loved. But instead, the whole thing was a farce. And I've never been so disappointed, angry, upset, annoyed, dismayed and anything else that you can think of in my life. In fact, I was embarrassed to be at my own wedding.

Of course, I'm sure part of my anger and dismay over the wedding has to do with some slight bitterness that I still hold for my ex- seeing as he hasn't signed the separation papers and has been dropped by his lawyer for refusing to return any form of contact... But I can't help but feel jealous when I see these lovely weddings on tv. I never asked for that much.

I never wanted anything big and over the top- that's not my style at all. I like sophistication. I like simple. I like intimate. I wanted something where the people I loved and who meant the most to me were there to support me and share in my happiness... not tell me to get over myself and get on with it. I don't think I'll ever forgive the people that said that.

I try to look at it positively and say that it was all a learning experience but the truth is... as much as I would love to get remarried one day when I've found the right person, I never want to go through all the hassle and expense of planning a wedding again. I would rather elope, or have a destination wedding with 30 of our closest friends and family. If someone wants to throw us a big party/reception then that's great- but its their money, and their planning, and I'll just show up in a pretty dress and have a good time, after I've already done it my way.

Can you believe that the end of this month will mark 6 months since I left my husband? Time's flown by!!

Anyway, seeing some of the recent "the wedding's off" posts, i just wanted to post something to say that while it might seem absolutely awful right now- one day you'll look back and see that it was a blessing in disguise. I can only wish that I'd been brave enough to have called mine off when there were problems. There is so much out there in life, so many opportunities, and there will always be someone who loves you, even if you don't realize it right now. Not to say that marriage holds you back- i definitely don't believe that- if it's right, marriage can give you the wings to fly higher and an incredible life- but when it's not a healthy situation you miss out on so many things. Spend the next few months solely concentrating on YOU. What do you want to do with your life? What are your aspirations? Where do you want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years. Get yourself back on your feet. You're beautiful, amazing, incredible women with so much strength and potential but learning to embrace that can be difficult.

I won't lie- these past 6 months have been hard, even if it hasn't seemed it from some of my posts. Extremely hard. I went from being a homemaker for 3 years, to moving back in with my father, working minimum wage jobs, and trying to make new friends. Dealing with a lawyer and a jackass of an ex husband who refused to cooperate with any of my requests didn't make things any easier. There were days when I was so depressed and upset that I just laid in bed crying all day because it seemed like things were never going to get easier and that the better future that lay ahead of me seemed so far off. But I took all of that pain, anger and emotion and after a couple of months of using it in an unhealthy manner, I began channeling it into something more positive- it became my drive to prove him wrong. Prove to him that everything he said I would never be able to do without him, was possible without him.

In March I picked up a hostessing job at Red Robin- it was only minimum wage and it had awful hours (only about 10 hours a week) but it was something to get my foot back on the ladder after having not worked for 3 years, and having not worked for 4 years in the United States. I also don't have any higher education than High School. After that, I began looking for a second and third job- I picked up a second job hostessing at On the Border for a slightly higher rate of pay in April. A week after I started at OTB, I got a phone call from the salon I'd been trying to get a job with since early March asking if I'd come in for an interview about their full time receptionist position. With that, I quit Red Robin and I've now found something full time that I really want to do. It's not much more as far as pay goes, but its full time with benefits and by doing that during the day, I can keep OTB for evenings and hopefully be able to move out of my dad's apartment by December when the divorce is finalized. I'm hoping that by next summer I can enroll in cosmetology school and get my estheticians license. I finally feel like I have some kind of direction in my life. Something to look forward to in the future. I finally got my belongings back from my ex in March, and while the separation agreement hasn't been signed, I also found out this month that he was dropped by his lawyer for refusing to respond to their attempts at contacting him. The divorce paperwork will go through on December 9th (NC requires a year and a day separation) and 30 days after that the divorce will be finalized if he doesn't contest it. (which he won't bother doing. hell, he won't even stay at the same bar I'm at when we've run into each other, so I highly doubt he'd want to sit in the same courtroom)

Add to that, that I've the most amazing support from my friends, family, and you ladies. I've got an incredible man in my life- who's been there for me for years, I just never truly realized it until now. It's by far the healthiest relationship I've ever had- we have total respect for each other, we both know what we want out of life, we're extremely supportive of the other and we're working together to achieve our goals, both our independent aspirations and our mutual ones. We're taking things slowly and trying not to rush into anything.

It's all about baby steps. Getting up every morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, time's flown by and things are finally starting to fall into place. Things aren't perfect, but nothing ever is. Sometimes, you have to laugh and just make the best out of your situations. Growing up, my grandmother always told me "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." and while I never truly understood what she meant when i was younger, it hits me so much harder now and it's so true. So keep your chin up, your eyes on the future and learn to love yourselves. If I can do this, anyone can.

Yesterday, (well, Tuesday- it's still yesterday to me since I haven't slept yet) was my birthday. I'm starting to feel old. lol. I turned 24, but it was definitely one of the best birthday's I've had in years... I won't say ever since I'm pretty sure I had some awesome ones when I was a kid.

Anyway, we headed out on Saturday night to celebrate- We had dinner at Red Robin, then hit up a couple of different bars and rented a hotel room in downtown so that we could all have a good time and not have to worry about anyone driving. Apart from the fact that a lot of people bailed just hours before the party, and some didn't turn up at all we still had a blast. My friends and I decided to go with a prom theme since we wanted an excuse to get all dressed up for the evening. One of my friends was sweet enough to make corsages and bouts for us, and she made me a lovely pair of earrings too. Sunday I wasn't feeling well (and it wasn't hangover related either. stupid monthly female bs.) so the boy came over and spent the afternoon with me to give me cuddles and make me feel better.

Tuesday was spent training at my new job (also at Red Robin... there was method to my madness. I wanted to observe and learn how the restaurant runs from a customers perspective... yes, I'm an overachiever.) where they were sweet enough to get me a birthday cake and sing happy birthday during some of our down time. That afternoon I met up with the boy for an all-you-can-eat sushi dinner and some snuggling on the sofa while watching The Proposal. (perfect movie for us- he gets to drool over Sandra Bullock, while I can drool over Ryan Reynolds.. who also happens to be his celebrity doppleganger.) He paid for everything all weekend as my birthday present, and on top of that he gave me an ipod loaded up with some of my favourite movies and albums. He totally spoils me! I couldn't ask for better!

My birthday party's on Saturday and I have NOTHING to wear. We'd originally planned it with a "prom" theme since prom season is coming up and most of my dresses have had a one time wear- we're going the whole nine yards and doing it like we were in HS.

The couple that the bf and I spend most of our time around is coming out with us for the evening (everyone else is meeting us at the bar) so she's going to come over and get ready at mine all day, and the bf's getting ready at theirs. Then the boys will come pick us up (hopefully with corsages?) we'll take poorly posed photos in front of a kinda pretty area (the hedge behind my apartment complex) head out for dinner somewhere cheapish (probably like the olive garden although I'd be perfectly happy with chick-fil-a) then head down to the bar to go bar crawling in our evening gowns and meet up with everyone else.

However... I just tried on my gowns. 2 of them kind of still fit, but they're snug. Really snug. And even with spanx they're still a bit on the awkward side trying to move around in. The other 4 don't fit at all because I've gone up 2 cup sizes since HS. So that leaves me with either the cocktail dresses I've bought more recently, or 2 maxi dresses from last summer. One of them needs to go to the seamstress because it's way too big around the back and hangs funny. The other one... well, I wore it for my engagement party and I kind of haven't worn it since even though it's a really nice dress.

So, do I wear the "engagement party dress" or head out to deb and try to pick up a prom dress on the cheap from the sales rack? The engagement party dress doesn't really strike me as prom-ish much, but maybe something could dress it up? Or there's a brown cocktail dress that I have that I think I could make pretty fancy but it wouldn't be particularly prom looking. (i don't have any photos of it anymore, but it's just a chocolate brown knee length sheath/fitted dress with an almost sweetheart but slightly square neckline & 1inch straps. It's roached across the bust.) Any ideas?

or.... i could wear my wedding gown which was basically a glorified prom dress... just not wear the crinoline under it. but I was kind of saving to wear that again for my ttd shoot.

3 weeks ago a friend of mine got engaged to her boyfriend and I just thought "awww, that's so sweet!" and sent her a congratulations and good luck, offering to help out if she needed it. I'm really happy for her!

Then, on Monday, I asked if she knew anyone with a truck or large SUV I could borrow for a few hours to move some things from my dad's place into my storage unit and we ended up chatting a bit about the wedding. Then out of no where she asked if I'd like to be a bridesmaid. I'm SO honored! I really didn't expect it!

We've been friends since HS but we lost touch for a while when I moved to England and again when I was dating my ex- he wouldn't let me have any of my friends over to the apartment, and we used to get into huge fights about who I could and couldn't spend time with. He didn't like the look of her and refused to ever meet her so our contact was kept to a minimum over facebook and myspace. When I decided I was leaving him, she was one of the first on FB to encourage me to get out of the situation and she supported me, asking me to go for nights out with her and her friends so that I wasn't cooped up and dwelling in self-pity and depression. I really can't thank her enough for doing that for me... I needed it, a lot.

Tuesday and last night we met up to talk about getting the ball rolling on planning her wedding- She's looking at Sept 3rd, 2011 for her date, but I pointed out to her that it'll be Labour day weekend and she might want to consider Sept 10th instead (plus doing the 10th would give her an awesome wedding date- 9/10/11). We've talked about budget, guestlist, ideas, themes, and venues so far. I'm so excited that I get to help her out! It's going to be waaaaay different from planning my own wedding and I really hope that I can help her out and help make it everything she wants. :)

Those of you who follow my twitter will already know that yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. In fact, most of this week has been pretty much downright awful, but Wednesday night/Thursday morning was just all too much and I finally broke down and lost it. I spent close to the entire night crying. When I woke up in the morning after the few hours of sleep that I did manage to get, I looked like I'd been punched in both eyes and I still didn't feel any better than I had the night before.

A good friend of mine noticed my tweets and suggested that we get out of the house for a bit so that I could try and take my mind off things. He grabbed his camera and we headed down to a local nature park so that we could chat and he'd take some photos while we were there to get me feeling more comfortable in front of a camera since I'm waaaaay camera shy. It was definitely something I needed- I felt somewhat better after we'd hung out, and I was excited to see the pics.

He sent me a few of them this morning and I loved the way they turned out. Especially the close up of my face where my eyes look nearly gold. I've noticed over the past few months, my eyes seem to be changing color again, and everyone's been commenting on my "twilight" eyes. I'm not complaining. They're pretty, and very unique. I'm amazed at how different my skin looks now in comparison to the photos that were taken in October during the wedding. I look, glowy- there's a much softer, natural sheen to my skin. I have more color coming back into my face and chest area, whereas in the wedding photos I look worn down and stressed out- My skin looks harsh and sallow... grey almost. It's amazing what a couple of months of being away from a major source of stress can do to change your appearance and demeanor.

It's been a while since I was on here- I just wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone.

There's really not been any major changes since the last time I updated- the ex is still being a total jackass... even more so now that he's trying to get the pity vote by telling everyone I ran off with my best friend since he can't admit that he's the one who screwed up. I still don't have my personal belongings back- not even my wedding dress! He refuses to give me ANY of my stuff, thanks to a wonderful little statute that states that the spouse who leaves the premises apparently forfeits all legal right to any property left within the residence after the time of leaving. Well.... I didn't voluntarily leave that day. I was forced out and told to leave for my own safety. And yet, there's nothing that can be done about it except go to court over everything. I'm not even asking him for anything! I'm only asking for the office furniture (futon, tv stand, & bookshelf), my personal belongings (sentimental items, clothes, shoes, posters, ornaments, gifts, etc.) and that's it! He can keep the rest of the stuff- I don't want it. I never even liked it. He got the dog even. I don't want spousal support. He's getting off easy. We were only married for 2 months. There's nothing to fight over. And yet, he's managed to drag this out for 2 months already too. It's all so ridiculous.

In the meantime however, I'm having a lot of fun with my friends and being as positive about the future as possible. It feels so enlightening to be rid of him, to be allowed to explore, grow, and be nurtured by the positivity, love and strength my friends and family have shown me. I'm keeping busy and I haven't felt so happy in years. Things still aren't quite as good as they could be, but I know that if I keep my chin up and work hard everything will fall into place exactly how it's meant to be.

My photographer does this gathering type thing once a month where anyone and everyone who wants to come along is welcome to, and everyone sits around at a coffee shop or other public location and tells stories based on a common theme that's picked by Ben at the same time the new event is announced so that you have time to collect your stories and think of what you'll say. Most people though, end up just telling something off the cuff and don't have anything prepared. It's a lot of fun, and a great way to meet some new people. The photos I posted are from the last gathering where the theme was "frozen". If you've ever heard of The Moth, it's a bit like that.

Anyway, with Valentines day being around the corner and Feb being the month of love, I thought I'd ask ya'll what your stories were about the day you fell in love? It doesn't have to neccesarily be about the day you fell in love with your FH (although those are always stupidly cute stories!) but it could be about your passion, your hobby, anything you love really- its just something for us to all get to know each other better.

For the past two weeks, every time I turn on the radio there's multiple advertisements for the bridal show at the fairgrounds this weekend. I have absolutely NO desire to go to it what so ever, but it does sort of make me miss the planning part of the wedding- the good, planning part, where I was coming up with ideas, developing themes, finding this and that to decorate with etc. The fun pieces- even though my wedding was absolutely nothing like I'd actually wanted.

Hearing the ads makes me wonder- if I could do it all over again, what would I do? Obviously, it would be with someone other than ex... preferably someone more on my wavelength and less of a groomzilla. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'd like to think that one day I might meet Mr. Right and settle down- and not have it be a total farce like the first time.

As a teenager, my dream wedding consisted of a church in the Hebrides, or at the very least the Highlands of Scotland. Black carriage horses, burgundy roses, gold & ivory decor. My dream's still somewhat the same... certain parts have changed- I'd rather go with a hunter green, heather, navy & ivory color scheme than black & burgundy, but I'd still want the carriage, the horses, & Scotland. I think I'd want slightly more rustic, vintagey decor now though. As a teenager I was really into the opulent gothic style. The reception could still be the same though- something fun and low key in a local pub. lol. I'm all about just having a good ol' knees up in celebration- screw the stiffness of tradition. I'm pretty much determined that if I do ever remarry- this WILL be what I have. And I won't budge on it- not one bit. Perhaps I need to find myself a sexy scotsman...

So, what would you do?

One of my closest friends' birthdays is on Valentines Day. He's ALWAYS hated his birthday because he feels like it gets snubbed for valentines day- everyone already has plans with their partners, no ones really interested in celebrating it, and he always feels like he always has to choose between his birthday and valentines day. I always feel awful for him about it- I know how crappy it can be having your birthday fall on a holiday, since mine sometimes falls on Easter Sunday too. Not to mention, I feel like I need to do something totally awesome in return for the amazingly gorgeous xmas present he bought me (black & white diamond accent earrings).

Anyway, I really want to do something to make this year's birthday for him absolutely fantastic. I don't have much money so I can't afford anything too major, but I'm thinking that if I can figure out what I'm doing for him then I can start saving a little bit every week now.

He's a little geeky (as in, he LOVES comic books- especially the flash- WoW & videogames. pretty much anything from thinkgeek is like his perfect present), very laid back and fun, a bit quirky (his favourite animals are hedgehogs), very sensitive and sentimental, somewhat athletic (he's the head lifeguard & assistant swim coach at a private school)
Any ideas?

Okay, so I'm a couple of days late on this- but Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a fun and safe New Years Eve and all the best wishes for 2010! What did everyone get up to?

My friends and I never really had any set plans for how we were going to celebrate. We figured we'd just wing it and figure it out as the night went on. We stopped off at a friend's party briefly to say hi to her before we headed out into downtown to meet up with another few friends. We arrived at the bar, and as soon as I walked in it felt like a high school reunion. At least 4 people I had partied with/graduated with were there. I haven't seen them in 5 years. (well, 6 now I guess?) It was kind of crazy but totally awesome to see them again.

We started drinking around 11ish, and by just after midnight, I completely black out. The last thing I can remember is dancing with some random people- friends of my HS friends I think. I don't know how we got back to my friends house, I don't remember how we got in, I don't remember anything. It's like I just come to a screeching halt in my memories. I know I didn't have a lot to drink before midnight- certainly not enough to get me as drunk as I supposedly was. At some point, I apparently handed a drink off to one of my BFF saying that it was too strong, I couldn't finish it and I didn't need anymore to drink. He finished it and also has no recollection of the rest of the night. We're certain that at least one of the drinks was spiked. When we came to the next morning, neither of us felt hungover- no headache, no nausea, no dehydration. If you've ever been in shock before, you'll know that feeling of being so cold that you can't warm up no matter what and that all your insides are shaking, right from down in your bones. That's what we felt like and it lasted all day. He's still shaking today, and he's been really sick from the after effects of whatever it was.

When we woke in the morning, I called my dad around 9am to come and pick us up from our friend's place since neither of us felt we were capable of driving at the time. BFF had picked me up from my dad's the night before, and his car was still parked at the bar. My dad brought us back to his, and we both fell asleep until the mid-afternoon. We didn't feel any better after getting more rest, but I wasn't as groggy as I was in the morning. My head began spinning, and it felt like every nerve ending in my body was jumping. It was a horrible feeling. I took BFF back to his car, which was still sitting at the bar where we'd left it. (thankfully it hadn't been towed! that would've just been insult to injury!) We met up with the friend we'd crashed with the night before and started trying to piece together bits of the night. Neither of us remembers anything the friend was telling us. Apparently, we had a grand old time... almost had ourselves or our version of "The Hangover" according to the friend. (Even though, I haven't seen that movie yet.)

Top it off, my dad's credit card which I carry in case of an emergency is also missing out of my wallet. Its not at the bar, and there hasn't been any transactions made on it. I've retraced my steps as best as I can recall, based off what I've been told of my actions on NYE but its no where to be found. He's furious with me and doesn't believe that I could've possibly been roofied since apparently, that doesn't happen these days. Not as frequently as I'm claiming it does anyway- However, this makes BFF and I the 5th & 6th people I know personally to have been drugged at a bar in the past 2 years.

I feel violated, invaded and I'm absolutely furious. We have a pretty good idea of who it might've been, but there's no way of proving it. We'd wanted to have a really great new years eve- not one where we were so trashed we couldn't remember it, but one where it would go down in history as one of the most amazing nights ever. After all, not only was it the end of a decade, but it was also a full, blue moon. Lets hope that the way 2010 started, isn't the way it's going to continue.

I just wanted to post this up to let people know that it can happen- even when you're being completely vigilant, watching your drinks, and always going up to the bar with anyone that's buying them for you. Always make sure you're around people you trust and let them know immediately if something doesn't seem right. I would never wish the way I've felt for the past 2 days on anyone. It's horrible- both physically and emotionally.

I have the greatest best friend ever. I really, REALLY do. Not only does he put up with my crazy life, the ridiculous amounts of drama that seems to follow me, and he keeps me happy, but he also spoils me!

While I was out searching for my sister's christmas present, I stumbled across a beautiful black and white diamond accent necklace. When I was looking up the photos of the gift I actually ended up buying her, I stumbled across a pair of semi-hoop earrings that would've matched the necklace. I posted them up on facebook as a possible gift for myself and Gorden picked up on the hint and bought them for me as one of my christmas presents. He went ahead and told me so that I wouldn't buy them myself, so I already knew they were coming.

Shortly after I dragged myself out of bed this morning, the UPS guy showed up at the door with a package for me. I didn't expect them to arrive until tomorrow. I was on the phone to my mother at the time, so I signed off on them, opened them while still on the phone to my mother and audibly gasped at how pretty they are. They're small, but I had expected that. They're still drop dead gorgeous. And the note that was attached to it was the sweetest thing I've read in a long time- how did I wind up so lucky to have a friend as amazing as Gorden? Now I have to find an outfit to wear with them for New Years Eve, because there's no way I'm not wearing them the next time I see him!

Just dropping in to say Merry Christmas to everyone!

I hope you all have wonderful, safe, and festive holidays! I'm so thankful for the amazing people in my life- they're the best christmas present I could ever ask for. I'll admit, the presents are nice too though- my best friend bought me "The Werewolf's Guide to Life- a handbook for the newly bitten" and a pair of beautiful black & white diamond accent earrings. My mum got me the sequined shrug I'm wearing in the photo and a red & black sequin tank top, and my grandmother got me a pair of beautiful dark red chandelier earrings. I'm not expecting anything from my dad since he's being kind enough to let me crash on his floor and he's paying for my lawyer. That's definitely more than enough of a present for me!

What are your plans for the day? Family traditions? What presents did you get?

My dad and I don't really have anything planned- I'll probably cook up a couple of steaks for dinner (since I forgot to run past the grocery store this evening and didn't remember till they were closed!!) and then we're planning on heading over to the cinema to see either the Sherlock Holmes movie or New Moon.

I'm bored... and I don't REALLY have anything to blog about anymore- not anything that's related to marriage and weddings. But ya'll are so supportive and amazing that I really don't want to lose contact. So, you'll get to put up with my random ramblings instead. lol.

My weekend consisted of meeting up with the local British Ex-pats community for the Xmas party at Rum Runners which was absolutely brilliant, even if I don't remember half the night... (No one can party like the British. Many try, but only a few even come close!) I love that every time I go out with them, I meet more and more amazing people. There's not a single one in the group that I feel uncomfortable around.

Most of Saturday was spent in bed recovering from one of the worst hangover's I've had in a while. However, never one to disappoint or turn down an opportunity, I pulled myself together and headed out to a party a friend of mine was having. They'd actually tapped the keg at noon so by the time I got there at 8, everyone was pretty much already wasted and starting to pass out until they could rally and go for the Nth round. Unfortunately, I don't have any photos of that mayhem.

After 2 hours at the party, I headed over to my dear friend, Andy's place and joined him and a few of his friends for the rest of the night in downtown. Dancing on bars, upside down shots, flying napkins & a water fight ensued. Definitely one of the best nights I've had in a long time.

Over all, it was a GREAT weekend! I'm so happy, and I'm having so much fun. I've really missed going out with my friends and being on the party circuit like I used to do. I'm starting to feel more like me again every day. It'll take a while before I totally get my confidence back, but I didn't expect it to happen over night anyway.

Monday I met up with a few friends for some xmas shopping, dinner & drinks, then tuesday, I headed out with Andy & Nicole for Trashy Trivia, where we ended up coming in last place, leaving and heading over to the bar where I discovered my new favourite drink ever- Smirnoff White Cherry Slushies, and I ended up being picked up and put on the bar to dance to Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry. I have plans in place for this weekend too- My best friend's coming home today, it's another friend's birthday on Saturday, and another friend is having a reunion party on Wednesday... it's going to be a blast!

given my current situation... I'm feeling a need to do something drastic to feel more like me again. I don't have the money to get my tattoos started, so that's out of the question... As much as I want more piercings, I need to get sorted out with a job first. So, I think the easiest thing for me to do to make me feel more like me is a massive overhaul on my appearance.

1. haircolor- black, or platinum blonde? I've never been blonde before, but black was my trademark before I met the ex.

2. hairstyle- I'm debating whether to grow it out to my shoulders, or just have it altered a bit. I was never particularly happy with the style I picked when I had the post wedding chop done. It just isn't quite me really- i usually go for styles that are either extremely classic, or very modern & edgy. I feel like mine's a bit too old for me actually. But, I have no idea what to do with it right now.

3. Makeup- I'm already reverting back to the smokey eyes I used to wear all the time.

4. Clothes- this is a big one for me. I gained so much weight during my r'ship that I ended up getting rid of a lot of the clothes I used to wear. I don't even LIKE the clothes I do have- they were bought to fit certain things that HE wanted of me. I don't feel like me in them. I used to be the rock'n'roll chick... and I look at those and see dowdy housewife. (no offense to housewives, but there was a particular stereotype he was trying to force me into). I'm going shopping tonight to try and get a few key pieces that I can use with some of the stuff I already have and hopefully turn it more into my style... but I honestly have no idea where to begin when it comes to clothes anymore. I know I'll be losing weight again now that I'm away from him since I can eat what I want to eat (which is a very light, nearly vegetarian diet) rather than having steaks stuffed down my throat all the time (don't get me wrong, steak is good... when it has some veg and other things with it.) and I tend to keep myself busy a lot when I'm on my own, rather than vegging in front of the TV day in and day out like he did.

So, any other suggestions of things I can do to make myself feel good/boost my confidence/feel more like "me" again?? I know that in time that part of me will come back, but I'd just like to take the steps that I can to get it back faster. lol.

So, I wrote the last entry on Saturday... and that's when it all started going downhill. Saturday night we ended up getting into a huge fight where he called me several names, tried to cut me down emotionally and tried to stop me from going out with my friends. I ended up staying out till 4am because I was trying to avoid going home.

Sunday, he took the car keys off me, claimed he'd removed me from the car insurance (he had a DUI 2 years ago, so I drove his car), and knew that my car wasn't currently working. He started a fight with me over it, and knew I couldn't leave. His whole thing for starting the fight with me was about the fact that I'm being a "bitch" according to him- just because I have absolutely nothing to say to him and I just wanted my own space. He claimed I was making in insufferable to be in the house- even though I was barely even there when he was home!

Monday, he started another fight with me because I was packing up my boxes and I wasn't quick enough giving him back a stupid colander that he wanted. I was in the middle of doing something at the time. I wasn't just going to drop everything just to please him. Things escalated,he cornered me, lunged at me, and I ended up calling the cops. Cops advised the best thing for both of us was for him to get out of the house for a little while while I packed up my stuff and went elsewhere for right now. My dad & a close friend came over and helped me get as much of my stuff out as we possibly could as quick as possible. I'm staying at my dad's for right now, and I'll be talking to a lawyer this week.

I can tell I already feel better being away from him though. I'm actually starting to get my appetite back. Not by much, but it's definitely more than it was.

So it's been a week since my last post, explaining that I'm leaving my husband. It feels *so* much longer than that... more like a month or two.

So far, things are going really well... we're being as civil as we can be, not that it's particularly fun to still be stuck in the same house together but whatever. I've taken up residence in the office (there's a super comfy futon in there!) and he has the bedroom. Obviously, the spats are fairly vicious (like him verbally attacking me for no reason when he doesn't even have the full story of things he's claiming) but I tend to just ignore him and walk away. There's no point in rising to it.

I've got some really amazing friends who've been getting me out of the house and having fun- I've actually only stayed home one night this whole week. A friend of mine works at a local club that just opened, so I've been spending most of my time hanging out down there with him & his friends.

I've found somewhere to temporarily move into until I'm back on my feet properly- a friend has a spare bedroom that's available and only asks that I go half with them on the costs. It's not an ideal situation, but it gets me out of here, and on the road back to independence at least.. and I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Until I have a stable job & Chris pays back the problems he caused on my credit, I know I don't have a hope in hell of getting an apartment on my own without a guarantor. My dad's refusing to get involved at all and won't even sign to help me. I think once he sees that I'm actually serious about this (because right now he's trying to claim that I should go back to Chris and work out all these problems... but that's what my mother did and she didn't get anywhere in the 20 years she wasted doing that with him!) he might be a little more amenable to helping me out.

I'm putting in applications EVERYWHERE to try and find a job, if not two. Ideally, this time next year I'd like to have my own place and taking some classes at the local community college and I know I'll need a steady financial footing before I can consider college. The quicker I can get that built up under me, the better. I'll admit, it's going to be kind of strange going back to work when I haven't worked in nearly 3 years, but I'm really looking forward to it, even if it is slightly scaring me.

But really, so far, so good I think. I mean, its the best that could come out of the situation I think. We haven't talked with any lawyers just yet, but I doubt we'll be needing separate ones- we have nothing to really fight about, so it should be pretty straightforward for the most part. We're waiting until I'm already moved out before we take that step as we both know it's going to make the tension between us even worse.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I made up a fake profile and posted about some issues that were going on in my marriage. The issues are severe. Extremely Severe. You can read everything on that blog if you're interested.
http://www.weddingbycolor.com/h34rtbr0k3n

The short of it is however, that I married a psychopath/sociopath who pathologically lies and our entire relationship, the marriage, everything has been built on lies. Now the foundations have been washed out and it's all crumbling around us. There's debt, fraud, emotional/mental abuse, lies, etc. I can't even begin to explain everything- it would take me writing a novel to go in depth about it all.

I'm leaving him & filing for divorce. As much as I love him, and as much as we've been through- I can't do this for the rest of my life. He says he wants help, he says he wants to change, but I can't do that for him. And even if he does get the help and the support that he needs, that doesn't make up for the fact that the past 3 years of my life, I've been living a total lie. I could never trust him again. Of course he doesn't want me to go, but in my heart, I know this is the best thing I could do for either of us. I need to get away and repair myself, and the damage that he's done to me, and he doesn't need the distraction of me while he needs to concentrate on himself. And, as expected he's attempting to manipulate and guilt me into staying- which isn't working. It's only pushing me further away. I told him last night that I want to be moved out with the separation legal by xmas, and he did take it better than I'd expected... but I hadn't expected to tell him yet either.

I'm hoping to make it as civil and possibly even as amicable as possible, but once every thing's said and done, it's over for good. No more contact, no calls, emails, nothing. I'm sad it has to be this way, but I'll move on and get over it. Hopefully, my life will have done a 180 within a year from now.

Thank you to all the wonderful ladies who commented on my other blog and showed me support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have everyone behind me... it's so touching. Thanks again.

Before the wedding, I touched on the fact that I wanted to do something in memory of my loved ones who have passed and couldn't be with us the day of the wedding. I didn't want anything obvious like a candle lighting, a memorial table, or a rose on an open chair. I wanted something that only I would know about, unless I chose to share it with others.

As a little girl, I always pictured my grandmother's companion, Robert, walking me down the aisle- he was the only grandfather I ever knew and we were very close when I was a child. My biological grandfather died before I was born. After Robert passed away in 2003 I decided that my Uncle Paul, my mother's brother, would be the one to walk me down the aisle instead- should I ever decide to marry. Unfortunately however, my uncle passed away in October 2007, shortly after we announced our engagement. One of the last things i had a chance to say to him, was to ask if he would walk me. It became extremely important to me that I find someway of having these two with me on my wedding day. I insisted upon walking alone to honor them- I was never close with my dad growing up, I felt it would be insulting to them to have him walk me down the aisle. I wanted both arms free so that if there are angels, they could walk with me.

I finally decided to honor them by lacing a locket through my bouquet- The locket I ended up using was my grandmothers, and was also my something old. On one side of the locket, I had Robert's photo and on the other side, I had a photo of Paul as a child. I chose to have all of the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnières as roses to honor my [biological] Grandfather who was an avid rose grower. If I had known beforehand that a particular rose existed, I could've had an arrangement made using Falstaff English Roses in memory of them as well. Falstaff was the name of my uncle's horse when he was in the Blues and Royals. I liked the fact that we didn't do anything obvious or that anyone really knew about. It made it even more special to me, and those that did notice the locket and asked about it thought it was one of the sweetest things they'd ever heard of doing.

I asked Chris if he wanted to do anything to honor his granddaddy. He liked the idea of doing something, but he wasn't sure what- and again, he didn't want to do anything too obvious. We ended up deciding to play a song that only those who knew about it, would know that it was for granddaddy. We didn't have the DJ make an announcement of it being a dedication, or in memory of, or anything like that. It was just put on the must play list with an extra note added to it saying that it was extremely important that it be played.

*note: I just got the professional photos back on Saturday. I'll upload them all over the next few days!

(I posted this over at my newly-wed blog, Sapphyre... so I apologize if you've seen it twice)

I'm pretty much obsessed with photographs & documenting the events of life through photos... I especially love going through all the old photos at my mums and laughing at the terrible bouffant '60s hair, or the flared jeans my uncle wore in the '70s, or the dreadful perm my mother had in the 80's that I was obsessed with and cried over when she cut it all off.

When we were staying at my Mum's on our honeymoon, I dragged the box out and started rummaging through it. I didn't have time to get through all of it- there's so many, it would've taken me days! However, I did find a few that I was determined to bring home with me. These included photos of both my parents & my grandparents weddings- I'd always loved my mothers wedding dress, but I'd never seen a photo of my grandparents wedding. Now that I have photos of both, I'm planning on getting a 3-opening frame and having a wedding photo of all three generations of my family in one. It's amazing how much fashion changes just in the few decades between each wedding- funny thing is however, we've all had a dark blue as a main color in our weddings.

My parents actually had 2 weddings. One in the states & one in Britain- it was easier than trying to make one side or the other travel a distance to attend. Both were very small & private weddings- it was family only for the most part, there was no bridal party, etc.

My grandparents were married at the tender age of 19. My grandfather was a sailor in the Royal Navy at the time, and my Grandmother had her 2 sisters as bridesmaids (the two on the far left). We're not sure who the others in the photo are. I love the fact that all the girls are carrying arm bouquets- that's something that just isn't seen so often these days.

The last photo is of my mother when she was a bridesmaid in our cousin's wedding in the late 70's. My mum was in her early 20's at the time.

Last year I bought two of these candle holders from michaels after christmas- they look exactly like the larger one in the picture, except mine are gold, to go with our neutrals color scheme throughout the year, and our gold & red color scheme for christmas.

Usually, I'll just plop a couple of smallish pillar candles in them and keep them on either side of the centerpiece on our dining room table, but I'm getting tired of looking at them like that. I *know* i could do something more creative with them... I just don't know what.

I've thought about filling them with stones & putting a floral arrangement in the top, but that idea doesn't really appeal to me. Nor does the idea of filling them with wrapped candy (since they get pretty narrow around the fluted area).

any ideas?

(Btw- if you like them, they're on sale at michaels currently for 40% off- meaning the larger ones would be about $11 each, i think.)

Now that my wedding's over, I feel like I should probably move on from this place... I don't have much to post to help out other brides these days etc. and while I do still read everyone's blogs daily and post comments where I can, sometimes I feel a little out of place, and a little bit like I'm trying to hold on to something that I should probably let go of- as difficult as it is when you've spent 2 years of your life ENTIRELY dedicated to planning your wedding- and move on...

So, married ladies, what did you do & why did you stay?

I kept 2 separate blogs during my planning. One of every day trials & tribulations, and one dedicated strictly to wedding planning, ideas, & inspiration. Over the past few days, I combined the two blogs, reorganized everything, and gave it a facelift. I'm planning on using it as not only a personal blog, but somewhere to give people inspiration for home decor, recipes, fashion, etc.

This is NOT goodbye- I adore every one of you, I'm just wondering what I'm supposed to do with myself now that I have nothing left to plan and blog about. You've all been amazing in giving me advice on both my WBC blogs (this one & porcelainbride) and I'm really not sure what I would've done without ya'll during my planning craziness. Not to mention, some of ya'lls ideas would work fabulously in decorating our home. lol. I know a little bit of it is post-nuptial depression just because I sunk so much of myself into planning, but part of it is just that I don't have a creative outlet anymore and I need to find a new one.

I'll be posting over at my other blog much more often than I'll be posting here from now on however. If anyone enjoys my blog that much, I'd appreciate it if you'd subscribe & comment occasionally. Anyway, if anyone's interested in following my newlywed blog, here's the link:
Sapphyre... The randomness of a newlywed wife

& if anyone wants to trade links, just lemme know- I'd be happy to post anyone's on my page.