This is sapphire2009's Blue Wedding!

Those of you who follow my twitter will already know that yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. In fact, most of this week has been pretty much downright awful, but Wednesday night/Thursday morning was just all too much and I finally broke down and lost it. I spent close to the entire night crying. When I woke up in the morning after the few hours of sleep that I did manage to get, I looked like I'd been punched in both eyes and I still didn't feel any better than I had the night before.

A good friend of mine noticed my tweets and suggested that we get out of the house for a bit so that I could try and take my mind off things. He grabbed his camera and we headed down to a local nature park so that we could chat and he'd take some photos while we were there to get me feeling more comfortable in front of a camera since I'm waaaaay camera shy. It was definitely something I needed- I felt somewhat better after we'd hung out, and I was excited to see the pics.

He sent me a few of them this morning and I loved the way they turned out. Especially the close up of my face where my eyes look nearly gold. I've noticed over the past few months, my eyes seem to be changing color again, and everyone's been commenting on my "twilight" eyes. I'm not complaining. They're pretty, and very unique. I'm amazed at how different my skin looks now in comparison to the photos that were taken in October during the wedding. I look, glowy- there's a much softer, natural sheen to my skin. I have more color coming back into my face and chest area, whereas in the wedding photos I look worn down and stressed out- My skin looks harsh and sallow... grey almost. It's amazing what a couple of months of being away from a major source of stress can do to change your appearance and demeanor.

It's been a while since I was on here- I just wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone.

There's really not been any major changes since the last time I updated- the ex is still being a total jackass... even more so now that he's trying to get the pity vote by telling everyone I ran off with my best friend since he can't admit that he's the one who screwed up. I still don't have my personal belongings back- not even my wedding dress! He refuses to give me ANY of my stuff, thanks to a wonderful little statute that states that the spouse who leaves the premises apparently forfeits all legal right to any property left within the residence after the time of leaving. Well.... I didn't voluntarily leave that day. I was forced out and told to leave for my own safety. And yet, there's nothing that can be done about it except go to court over everything. I'm not even asking him for anything! I'm only asking for the office furniture (futon, tv stand, & bookshelf), my personal belongings (sentimental items, clothes, shoes, posters, ornaments, gifts, etc.) and that's it! He can keep the rest of the stuff- I don't want it. I never even liked it. He got the dog even. I don't want spousal support. He's getting off easy. We were only married for 2 months. There's nothing to fight over. And yet, he's managed to drag this out for 2 months already too. It's all so ridiculous.

In the meantime however, I'm having a lot of fun with my friends and being as positive about the future as possible. It feels so enlightening to be rid of him, to be allowed to explore, grow, and be nurtured by the positivity, love and strength my friends and family have shown me. I'm keeping busy and I haven't felt so happy in years. Things still aren't quite as good as they could be, but I know that if I keep my chin up and work hard everything will fall into place exactly how it's meant to be.

My photographer does this gathering type thing once a month where anyone and everyone who wants to come along is welcome to, and everyone sits around at a coffee shop or other public location and tells stories based on a common theme that's picked by Ben at the same time the new event is announced so that you have time to collect your stories and think of what you'll say. Most people though, end up just telling something off the cuff and don't have anything prepared. It's a lot of fun, and a great way to meet some new people. The photos I posted are from the last gathering where the theme was "frozen". If you've ever heard of The Moth, it's a bit like that.

Anyway, with Valentines day being around the corner and Feb being the month of love, I thought I'd ask ya'll what your stories were about the day you fell in love? It doesn't have to neccesarily be about the day you fell in love with your FH (although those are always stupidly cute stories!) but it could be about your passion, your hobby, anything you love really- its just something for us to all get to know each other better.

For the past two weeks, every time I turn on the radio there's multiple advertisements for the bridal show at the fairgrounds this weekend. I have absolutely NO desire to go to it what so ever, but it does sort of make me miss the planning part of the wedding- the good, planning part, where I was coming up with ideas, developing themes, finding this and that to decorate with etc. The fun pieces- even though my wedding was absolutely nothing like I'd actually wanted.

Hearing the ads makes me wonder- if I could do it all over again, what would I do? Obviously, it would be with someone other than ex... preferably someone more on my wavelength and less of a groomzilla. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'd like to think that one day I might meet Mr. Right and settle down- and not have it be a total farce like the first time.

As a teenager, my dream wedding consisted of a church in the Hebrides, or at the very least the Highlands of Scotland. Black carriage horses, burgundy roses, gold & ivory decor. My dream's still somewhat the same... certain parts have changed- I'd rather go with a hunter green, heather, navy & ivory color scheme than black & burgundy, but I'd still want the carriage, the horses, & Scotland. I think I'd want slightly more rustic, vintagey decor now though. As a teenager I was really into the opulent gothic style. The reception could still be the same though- something fun and low key in a local pub. lol. I'm all about just having a good ol' knees up in celebration- screw the stiffness of tradition. I'm pretty much determined that if I do ever remarry- this WILL be what I have. And I won't budge on it- not one bit. Perhaps I need to find myself a sexy scotsman...

So, what would you do?

One of my closest friends' birthdays is on Valentines Day. He's ALWAYS hated his birthday because he feels like it gets snubbed for valentines day- everyone already has plans with their partners, no ones really interested in celebrating it, and he always feels like he always has to choose between his birthday and valentines day. I always feel awful for him about it- I know how crappy it can be having your birthday fall on a holiday, since mine sometimes falls on Easter Sunday too. Not to mention, I feel like I need to do something totally awesome in return for the amazingly gorgeous xmas present he bought me (black & white diamond accent earrings).

Anyway, I really want to do something to make this year's birthday for him absolutely fantastic. I don't have much money so I can't afford anything too major, but I'm thinking that if I can figure out what I'm doing for him then I can start saving a little bit every week now.

He's a little geeky (as in, he LOVES comic books- especially the flash- WoW & videogames. pretty much anything from thinkgeek is like his perfect present), very laid back and fun, a bit quirky (his favourite animals are hedgehogs), very sensitive and sentimental, somewhat athletic (he's the head lifeguard & assistant swim coach at a private school)
Any ideas?

Okay, so I'm a couple of days late on this- but Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a fun and safe New Years Eve and all the best wishes for 2010! What did everyone get up to?

My friends and I never really had any set plans for how we were going to celebrate. We figured we'd just wing it and figure it out as the night went on. We stopped off at a friend's party briefly to say hi to her before we headed out into downtown to meet up with another few friends. We arrived at the bar, and as soon as I walked in it felt like a high school reunion. At least 4 people I had partied with/graduated with were there. I haven't seen them in 5 years. (well, 6 now I guess?) It was kind of crazy but totally awesome to see them again.

We started drinking around 11ish, and by just after midnight, I completely black out. The last thing I can remember is dancing with some random people- friends of my HS friends I think. I don't know how we got back to my friends house, I don't remember how we got in, I don't remember anything. It's like I just come to a screeching halt in my memories. I know I didn't have a lot to drink before midnight- certainly not enough to get me as drunk as I supposedly was. At some point, I apparently handed a drink off to one of my BFF saying that it was too strong, I couldn't finish it and I didn't need anymore to drink. He finished it and also has no recollection of the rest of the night. We're certain that at least one of the drinks was spiked. When we came to the next morning, neither of us felt hungover- no headache, no nausea, no dehydration. If you've ever been in shock before, you'll know that feeling of being so cold that you can't warm up no matter what and that all your insides are shaking, right from down in your bones. That's what we felt like and it lasted all day. He's still shaking today, and he's been really sick from the after effects of whatever it was.

When we woke in the morning, I called my dad around 9am to come and pick us up from our friend's place since neither of us felt we were capable of driving at the time. BFF had picked me up from my dad's the night before, and his car was still parked at the bar. My dad brought us back to his, and we both fell asleep until the mid-afternoon. We didn't feel any better after getting more rest, but I wasn't as groggy as I was in the morning. My head began spinning, and it felt like every nerve ending in my body was jumping. It was a horrible feeling. I took BFF back to his car, which was still sitting at the bar where we'd left it. (thankfully it hadn't been towed! that would've just been insult to injury!) We met up with the friend we'd crashed with the night before and started trying to piece together bits of the night. Neither of us remembers anything the friend was telling us. Apparently, we had a grand old time... almost had ourselves or our version of "The Hangover" according to the friend. (Even though, I haven't seen that movie yet.)

Top it off, my dad's credit card which I carry in case of an emergency is also missing out of my wallet. Its not at the bar, and there hasn't been any transactions made on it. I've retraced my steps as best as I can recall, based off what I've been told of my actions on NYE but its no where to be found. He's furious with me and doesn't believe that I could've possibly been roofied since apparently, that doesn't happen these days. Not as frequently as I'm claiming it does anyway- However, this makes BFF and I the 5th & 6th people I know personally to have been drugged at a bar in the past 2 years.

I feel violated, invaded and I'm absolutely furious. We have a pretty good idea of who it might've been, but there's no way of proving it. We'd wanted to have a really great new years eve- not one where we were so trashed we couldn't remember it, but one where it would go down in history as one of the most amazing nights ever. After all, not only was it the end of a decade, but it was also a full, blue moon. Lets hope that the way 2010 started, isn't the way it's going to continue.

I just wanted to post this up to let people know that it can happen- even when you're being completely vigilant, watching your drinks, and always going up to the bar with anyone that's buying them for you. Always make sure you're around people you trust and let them know immediately if something doesn't seem right. I would never wish the way I've felt for the past 2 days on anyone. It's horrible- both physically and emotionally.

I have the greatest best friend ever. I really, REALLY do. Not only does he put up with my crazy life, the ridiculous amounts of drama that seems to follow me, and he keeps me happy, but he also spoils me!

While I was out searching for my sister's christmas present, I stumbled across a beautiful black and white diamond accent necklace. When I was looking up the photos of the gift I actually ended up buying her, I stumbled across a pair of semi-hoop earrings that would've matched the necklace. I posted them up on facebook as a possible gift for myself and Gorden picked up on the hint and bought them for me as one of my christmas presents. He went ahead and told me so that I wouldn't buy them myself, so I already knew they were coming.

Shortly after I dragged myself out of bed this morning, the UPS guy showed up at the door with a package for me. I didn't expect them to arrive until tomorrow. I was on the phone to my mother at the time, so I signed off on them, opened them while still on the phone to my mother and audibly gasped at how pretty they are. They're small, but I had expected that. They're still drop dead gorgeous. And the note that was attached to it was the sweetest thing I've read in a long time- how did I wind up so lucky to have a friend as amazing as Gorden? Now I have to find an outfit to wear with them for New Years Eve, because there's no way I'm not wearing them the next time I see him!

Just dropping in to say Merry Christmas to everyone!

I hope you all have wonderful, safe, and festive holidays! I'm so thankful for the amazing people in my life- they're the best christmas present I could ever ask for. I'll admit, the presents are nice too though- my best friend bought me "The Werewolf's Guide to Life- a handbook for the newly bitten" and a pair of beautiful black & white diamond accent earrings. My mum got me the sequined shrug I'm wearing in the photo and a red & black sequin tank top, and my grandmother got me a pair of beautiful dark red chandelier earrings. I'm not expecting anything from my dad since he's being kind enough to let me crash on his floor and he's paying for my lawyer. That's definitely more than enough of a present for me!

What are your plans for the day? Family traditions? What presents did you get?

My dad and I don't really have anything planned- I'll probably cook up a couple of steaks for dinner (since I forgot to run past the grocery store this evening and didn't remember till they were closed!!) and then we're planning on heading over to the cinema to see either the Sherlock Holmes movie or New Moon.

I'm bored... and I don't REALLY have anything to blog about anymore- not anything that's related to marriage and weddings. But ya'll are so supportive and amazing that I really don't want to lose contact. So, you'll get to put up with my random ramblings instead. lol.

My weekend consisted of meeting up with the local British Ex-pats community for the Xmas party at Rum Runners which was absolutely brilliant, even if I don't remember half the night... (No one can party like the British. Many try, but only a few even come close!) I love that every time I go out with them, I meet more and more amazing people. There's not a single one in the group that I feel uncomfortable around.

Most of Saturday was spent in bed recovering from one of the worst hangover's I've had in a while. However, never one to disappoint or turn down an opportunity, I pulled myself together and headed out to a party a friend of mine was having. They'd actually tapped the keg at noon so by the time I got there at 8, everyone was pretty much already wasted and starting to pass out until they could rally and go for the Nth round. Unfortunately, I don't have any photos of that mayhem.

After 2 hours at the party, I headed over to my dear friend, Andy's place and joined him and a few of his friends for the rest of the night in downtown. Dancing on bars, upside down shots, flying napkins & a water fight ensued. Definitely one of the best nights I've had in a long time.

Over all, it was a GREAT weekend! I'm so happy, and I'm having so much fun. I've really missed going out with my friends and being on the party circuit like I used to do. I'm starting to feel more like me again every day. It'll take a while before I totally get my confidence back, but I didn't expect it to happen over night anyway.

Monday I met up with a few friends for some xmas shopping, dinner & drinks, then tuesday, I headed out with Andy & Nicole for Trashy Trivia, where we ended up coming in last place, leaving and heading over to the bar where I discovered my new favourite drink ever- Smirnoff White Cherry Slushies, and I ended up being picked up and put on the bar to dance to Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry. I have plans in place for this weekend too- My best friend's coming home today, it's another friend's birthday on Saturday, and another friend is having a reunion party on Wednesday... it's going to be a blast!

given my current situation... I'm feeling a need to do something drastic to feel more like me again. I don't have the money to get my tattoos started, so that's out of the question... As much as I want more piercings, I need to get sorted out with a job first. So, I think the easiest thing for me to do to make me feel more like me is a massive overhaul on my appearance.

1. haircolor- black, or platinum blonde? I've never been blonde before, but black was my trademark before I met the ex.

2. hairstyle- I'm debating whether to grow it out to my shoulders, or just have it altered a bit. I was never particularly happy with the style I picked when I had the post wedding chop done. It just isn't quite me really- i usually go for styles that are either extremely classic, or very modern & edgy. I feel like mine's a bit too old for me actually. But, I have no idea what to do with it right now.

3. Makeup- I'm already reverting back to the smokey eyes I used to wear all the time.

4. Clothes- this is a big one for me. I gained so much weight during my r'ship that I ended up getting rid of a lot of the clothes I used to wear. I don't even LIKE the clothes I do have- they were bought to fit certain things that HE wanted of me. I don't feel like me in them. I used to be the rock'n'roll chick... and I look at those and see dowdy housewife. (no offense to housewives, but there was a particular stereotype he was trying to force me into). I'm going shopping tonight to try and get a few key pieces that I can use with some of the stuff I already have and hopefully turn it more into my style... but I honestly have no idea where to begin when it comes to clothes anymore. I know I'll be losing weight again now that I'm away from him since I can eat what I want to eat (which is a very light, nearly vegetarian diet) rather than having steaks stuffed down my throat all the time (don't get me wrong, steak is good... when it has some veg and other things with it.) and I tend to keep myself busy a lot when I'm on my own, rather than vegging in front of the TV day in and day out like he did.

So, any other suggestions of things I can do to make myself feel good/boost my confidence/feel more like "me" again?? I know that in time that part of me will come back, but I'd just like to take the steps that I can to get it back faster. lol.

So, I wrote the last entry on Saturday... and that's when it all started going downhill. Saturday night we ended up getting into a huge fight where he called me several names, tried to cut me down emotionally and tried to stop me from going out with my friends. I ended up staying out till 4am because I was trying to avoid going home.

Sunday, he took the car keys off me, claimed he'd removed me from the car insurance (he had a DUI 2 years ago, so I drove his car), and knew that my car wasn't currently working. He started a fight with me over it, and knew I couldn't leave. His whole thing for starting the fight with me was about the fact that I'm being a "bitch" according to him- just because I have absolutely nothing to say to him and I just wanted my own space. He claimed I was making in insufferable to be in the house- even though I was barely even there when he was home!

Monday, he started another fight with me because I was packing up my boxes and I wasn't quick enough giving him back a stupid colander that he wanted. I was in the middle of doing something at the time. I wasn't just going to drop everything just to please him. Things escalated,he cornered me, lunged at me, and I ended up calling the cops. Cops advised the best thing for both of us was for him to get out of the house for a little while while I packed up my stuff and went elsewhere for right now. My dad & a close friend came over and helped me get as much of my stuff out as we possibly could as quick as possible. I'm staying at my dad's for right now, and I'll be talking to a lawyer this week.

I can tell I already feel better being away from him though. I'm actually starting to get my appetite back. Not by much, but it's definitely more than it was.

So it's been a week since my last post, explaining that I'm leaving my husband. It feels *so* much longer than that... more like a month or two.

So far, things are going really well... we're being as civil as we can be, not that it's particularly fun to still be stuck in the same house together but whatever. I've taken up residence in the office (there's a super comfy futon in there!) and he has the bedroom. Obviously, the spats are fairly vicious (like him verbally attacking me for no reason when he doesn't even have the full story of things he's claiming) but I tend to just ignore him and walk away. There's no point in rising to it.

I've got some really amazing friends who've been getting me out of the house and having fun- I've actually only stayed home one night this whole week. A friend of mine works at a local club that just opened, so I've been spending most of my time hanging out down there with him & his friends.

I've found somewhere to temporarily move into until I'm back on my feet properly- a friend has a spare bedroom that's available and only asks that I go half with them on the costs. It's not an ideal situation, but it gets me out of here, and on the road back to independence at least.. and I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Until I have a stable job & Chris pays back the problems he caused on my credit, I know I don't have a hope in hell of getting an apartment on my own without a guarantor. My dad's refusing to get involved at all and won't even sign to help me. I think once he sees that I'm actually serious about this (because right now he's trying to claim that I should go back to Chris and work out all these problems... but that's what my mother did and she didn't get anywhere in the 20 years she wasted doing that with him!) he might be a little more amenable to helping me out.

I'm putting in applications EVERYWHERE to try and find a job, if not two. Ideally, this time next year I'd like to have my own place and taking some classes at the local community college and I know I'll need a steady financial footing before I can consider college. The quicker I can get that built up under me, the better. I'll admit, it's going to be kind of strange going back to work when I haven't worked in nearly 3 years, but I'm really looking forward to it, even if it is slightly scaring me.

But really, so far, so good I think. I mean, its the best that could come out of the situation I think. We haven't talked with any lawyers just yet, but I doubt we'll be needing separate ones- we have nothing to really fight about, so it should be pretty straightforward for the most part. We're waiting until I'm already moved out before we take that step as we both know it's going to make the tension between us even worse.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I made up a fake profile and posted about some issues that were going on in my marriage. The issues are severe. Extremely Severe. You can read everything on that blog if you're interested.
http://www.weddingbycolor.com/h34rtbr0k3n

The short of it is however, that I married a psychopath/sociopath who pathologically lies and our entire relationship, the marriage, everything has been built on lies. Now the foundations have been washed out and it's all crumbling around us. There's debt, fraud, emotional/mental abuse, lies, etc. I can't even begin to explain everything- it would take me writing a novel to go in depth about it all.

I'm leaving him & filing for divorce. As much as I love him, and as much as we've been through- I can't do this for the rest of my life. He says he wants help, he says he wants to change, but I can't do that for him. And even if he does get the help and the support that he needs, that doesn't make up for the fact that the past 3 years of my life, I've been living a total lie. I could never trust him again. Of course he doesn't want me to go, but in my heart, I know this is the best thing I could do for either of us. I need to get away and repair myself, and the damage that he's done to me, and he doesn't need the distraction of me while he needs to concentrate on himself. And, as expected he's attempting to manipulate and guilt me into staying- which isn't working. It's only pushing me further away. I told him last night that I want to be moved out with the separation legal by xmas, and he did take it better than I'd expected... but I hadn't expected to tell him yet either.

I'm hoping to make it as civil and possibly even as amicable as possible, but once every thing's said and done, it's over for good. No more contact, no calls, emails, nothing. I'm sad it has to be this way, but I'll move on and get over it. Hopefully, my life will have done a 180 within a year from now.

Thank you to all the wonderful ladies who commented on my other blog and showed me support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have everyone behind me... it's so touching. Thanks again.

Before the wedding, I touched on the fact that I wanted to do something in memory of my loved ones who have passed and couldn't be with us the day of the wedding. I didn't want anything obvious like a candle lighting, a memorial table, or a rose on an open chair. I wanted something that only I would know about, unless I chose to share it with others.

As a little girl, I always pictured my grandmother's companion, Robert, walking me down the aisle- he was the only grandfather I ever knew and we were very close when I was a child. My biological grandfather died before I was born. After Robert passed away in 2003 I decided that my Uncle Paul, my mother's brother, would be the one to walk me down the aisle instead- should I ever decide to marry. Unfortunately however, my uncle passed away in October 2007, shortly after we announced our engagement. One of the last things i had a chance to say to him, was to ask if he would walk me. It became extremely important to me that I find someway of having these two with me on my wedding day. I insisted upon walking alone to honor them- I was never close with my dad growing up, I felt it would be insulting to them to have him walk me down the aisle. I wanted both arms free so that if there are angels, they could walk with me.

I finally decided to honor them by lacing a locket through my bouquet- The locket I ended up using was my grandmothers, and was also my something old. On one side of the locket, I had Robert's photo and on the other side, I had a photo of Paul as a child. I chose to have all of the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnières as roses to honor my [biological] Grandfather who was an avid rose grower. If I had known beforehand that a particular rose existed, I could've had an arrangement made using Falstaff English Roses in memory of them as well. Falstaff was the name of my uncle's horse when he was in the Blues and Royals. I liked the fact that we didn't do anything obvious or that anyone really knew about. It made it even more special to me, and those that did notice the locket and asked about it thought it was one of the sweetest things they'd ever heard of doing.

I asked Chris if he wanted to do anything to honor his granddaddy. He liked the idea of doing something, but he wasn't sure what- and again, he didn't want to do anything too obvious. We ended up deciding to play a song that only those who knew about it, would know that it was for granddaddy. We didn't have the DJ make an announcement of it being a dedication, or in memory of, or anything like that. It was just put on the must play list with an extra note added to it saying that it was extremely important that it be played.

*note: I just got the professional photos back on Saturday. I'll upload them all over the next few days!

(I posted this over at my newly-wed blog, Sapphyre... so I apologize if you've seen it twice)

I'm pretty much obsessed with photographs & documenting the events of life through photos... I especially love going through all the old photos at my mums and laughing at the terrible bouffant '60s hair, or the flared jeans my uncle wore in the '70s, or the dreadful perm my mother had in the 80's that I was obsessed with and cried over when she cut it all off.

When we were staying at my Mum's on our honeymoon, I dragged the box out and started rummaging through it. I didn't have time to get through all of it- there's so many, it would've taken me days! However, I did find a few that I was determined to bring home with me. These included photos of both my parents & my grandparents weddings- I'd always loved my mothers wedding dress, but I'd never seen a photo of my grandparents wedding. Now that I have photos of both, I'm planning on getting a 3-opening frame and having a wedding photo of all three generations of my family in one. It's amazing how much fashion changes just in the few decades between each wedding- funny thing is however, we've all had a dark blue as a main color in our weddings.

My parents actually had 2 weddings. One in the states & one in Britain- it was easier than trying to make one side or the other travel a distance to attend. Both were very small & private weddings- it was family only for the most part, there was no bridal party, etc.

My grandparents were married at the tender age of 19. My grandfather was a sailor in the Royal Navy at the time, and my Grandmother had her 2 sisters as bridesmaids (the two on the far left). We're not sure who the others in the photo are. I love the fact that all the girls are carrying arm bouquets- that's something that just isn't seen so often these days.

The last photo is of my mother when she was a bridesmaid in our cousin's wedding in the late 70's. My mum was in her early 20's at the time.

Last year I bought two of these candle holders from michaels after christmas- they look exactly like the larger one in the picture, except mine are gold, to go with our neutrals color scheme throughout the year, and our gold & red color scheme for christmas.

Usually, I'll just plop a couple of smallish pillar candles in them and keep them on either side of the centerpiece on our dining room table, but I'm getting tired of looking at them like that. I *know* i could do something more creative with them... I just don't know what.

I've thought about filling them with stones & putting a floral arrangement in the top, but that idea doesn't really appeal to me. Nor does the idea of filling them with wrapped candy (since they get pretty narrow around the fluted area).

any ideas?

(Btw- if you like them, they're on sale at michaels currently for 40% off- meaning the larger ones would be about $11 each, i think.)

Now that my wedding's over, I feel like I should probably move on from this place... I don't have much to post to help out other brides these days etc. and while I do still read everyone's blogs daily and post comments where I can, sometimes I feel a little out of place, and a little bit like I'm trying to hold on to something that I should probably let go of- as difficult as it is when you've spent 2 years of your life ENTIRELY dedicated to planning your wedding- and move on...

So, married ladies, what did you do & why did you stay?

I kept 2 separate blogs during my planning. One of every day trials & tribulations, and one dedicated strictly to wedding planning, ideas, & inspiration. Over the past few days, I combined the two blogs, reorganized everything, and gave it a facelift. I'm planning on using it as not only a personal blog, but somewhere to give people inspiration for home decor, recipes, fashion, etc.

This is NOT goodbye- I adore every one of you, I'm just wondering what I'm supposed to do with myself now that I have nothing left to plan and blog about. You've all been amazing in giving me advice on both my WBC blogs (this one & porcelainbride) and I'm really not sure what I would've done without ya'll during my planning craziness. Not to mention, some of ya'lls ideas would work fabulously in decorating our home. lol. I know a little bit of it is post-nuptial depression just because I sunk so much of myself into planning, but part of it is just that I don't have a creative outlet anymore and I need to find a new one.

I'll be posting over at my other blog much more often than I'll be posting here from now on however. If anyone enjoys my blog that much, I'd appreciate it if you'd subscribe & comment occasionally. Anyway, if anyone's interested in following my newlywed blog, here's the link:
Sapphyre... The randomness of a newlywed wife

& if anyone wants to trade links, just lemme know- I'd be happy to post anyone's on my page.

Ryan was absolutely incredible! When we needed him for an extra hour to do the ceremony music because our musicians pulled out at the last minute he had absolutely no problem with accommodating our situation, and played the music for us perfectly- which was fairly complicated (we had several songs played throughout the ceremony) and required him downloading specific songs that weren't in his catalogue.

During the reception all the guests thought he was great and he got pretty much everyone at our 70 guest wedding on the dance floor at some point in the course of the evening. He kept commenting that he thought it was great I knew exactly what I wanted played, but reality was- he was the one that made it so great and kept everyone entertained. I just pointed him in the right direction & let him go. We started off the cocktail hour with rat-pack classics, then slowly moved into more mainstream pop & classic oldies during dinner & the first part of dancing, then kicked it up with more charts & dance music as the night progressed and the older guests left. Island Sound also provided us with all the pink & blue uplights for the reception room which made the room look drop dead gorgeous!

They were well worth the money!

After looking at nearly every venue in Wake County, we opted to go with Lake Johnson. It was well priced (just over $1k for 10 hours rental), a blank canvas as far as decorating it to our tastes went, a natural but pretty area, a perfect sized meeting room and an easily found location.

They were easy enough to work with as far as booking the venue and reserving the date, however when I got home I found we'd been heavily overcharged for our rental- The events coordinator, Clay, seemed to be quite ignorant of the rules, regulations and charges for the venue. I ended up speaking with Coley, the park manager about the situation who knocked nearly $2k off the price of the rental.

Clay was terrible to work with. Every question I asked him couldn't be answered without umming and ahhing for 5 minutes trying to find the answer, he seemed baffled by a lot of things I requested from him (ie- room dimensions & layouts, what could and couldn't be done to the venue, etc.) and most of their contracts were vaguely written. It's sad when the bride knows more about the rules and regulations of the venue than the events coordinator.

The day of the wedding nothing had been set up correctly, if it had been set up at all. We understood that it was our responsibility to set up the decorations etc. and the groomsmen were out there early in the morning getting lights and decorations strung. however, the venue were supposed to set up the seating for the ceremony & the tables for the reception. The caterer & DJ ended up forcing them to get things sorted out as there was no where for them to set up when the tables weren't properly done. They also ended up rearranging the room and the ceremony site so that it was correctly laid out as they didn't follow the layout drawings I'd given them.

Once everything was set up right, the place looked amazing, especially as it was a cloudless, sunny day and our guests loved the scenery. It made for some lovely photos and the juxtaposition of our sleek, modern theme against the natural scenery was breathtaking. I'd recommend the venue, but only if you're planning on having a smaller wedding (less than 70) and you have immense patience with people as it can get rather irritating having to deal with a bunch of men who barely understand what you're asking and don't have any interest in weddings. We're actually considering renting the space again for our 1-year anniversary and hosting a smaller party there to celebrate.

We knew before we even began planning that food & drink would be one of, if not the largest expense in our wedding. We went through several different choices before we decided upon having an appetizer buffet at the reception. I called around to get average quotes and KSI had some of the best prices we heard. Kevin, the owner was so enthusiastic and friendly on the phone and just as pleasant when we met in person- he was actually the only caterer we interviewed. We got such a good feeling from him that everything would be taken care of and perfect that we didn't feel like we needed to look around anymore. We also loved the fact that he was very hands on with his business and extremely involved in the planning and organizing- he didn't just put someone else in charge of everything.

When we went for our tasting he brought us not just a few pieces to nibble on like we'd expected, but 3 entire trays of food that consisted of most everything we were planning on having (other than the prime rib). He went well above our expectations at the tasting and we were eating the trays for the rest of the week as our lunches! He was more than happy to accommodate our special request of portobello mushroom sliders/sandwiches for our vegetarian guests too.

At the wedding he definitely saved the day! The groomsmen were out there in the morning to help set up decorations etc. and had to keep fighting with the venue to get things sorted out and set up- when Kevin arrived he made sure that the venue got their act together and got things done. He also provided us with all the table linens, wine glasses and toasting flutes and made sure that everything was set up and arranged perfectly. He also kept me calm when I got to the venue to find that half our decorations hadn't been properly set up.

All night long everyone kept complimenting the food, saying it was some of the best they'd ever had at a wedding and there was more than enough to go around for seconds, thirds and fourths even! The Prime Rib went over a treat and I think we actually ended up running out of salmon & tuna on the carving station. People loved the mushroom sliders which were incredible. Unfortunately, I barely got a chance to eat at the wedding but the tiny plate I managed to tuck into during the toasts was delightful, as was the small plate of food we managed to salvage to take back to our hotel with us.

If we should ever need a caterer again I will most definitely be using KSI.

Based upon the referrals of several friends who got married over the past few years, we decided to go with this company for our wedding cake. We'd tried a few other bakers, but no one was really up to the standard I was looking for- after all, I needed a cake that would really blow our crowd away & be the centerpiece of our reception.

My mother & I set up an appointment & went to meet with them to discuss ideas, what we were looking for etc. They gave us a wonderful sample plate full of bitesized pieces of cake, icings etc. & we were pretty much in cake heaven. The lobby of the bakery is inviting- demo cakes lining the walls, books & photo albums of cakes to choose from, & it's very comfortably decorated. We sat down and began talking with them. Nothing we asked for seemed to be too much- I'd taken a photo of the cake I wanted in with me & explained that I would for our cake to look exactly like that, only changing the colors on it. They said that was absolutely no problem. The meeting went well & a few weeks later, they gave me a sample box to take home with me so that my DH could try it. He fell in love with it as well & that was that- we were going to book them.

2 weeks before the wedding I went to pay the remaining balance & confirm all the details with them. It all ran smoothly. I had purchased my own cake stand, only to find it was too small & they wouldn't be able to use it. Kindly, they offered to loan me one of theirs at no extra cost & I was grateful.

Come the day of the wedding, I get to the reception to find that the cake design is awful. It's absolutely hideous & NOTHING like I'd asked for. It looked... well, I can't find the words to describe how atrocious it was. The general gist of the design was right, but it wasn't anything like the photo I'd given them. I was devastated. Within an hour of the reception starting, the bow on the middle tier had fallen off (and it was NOT hot in my reception room as they claim it was) & smashed into the side of the cake. My mum & the caterer's did the best they could to try and fix it, but it still looked ridiculous.

When my husband and I cut the cake, we were appalled to find that there was nearly 3 inches of buttercream on the outside of it. The "slice" of cake that we were supposed to feed each other was nearly all buttercream & we couldn't even tell if they got the interior correct.

Talking to my dad the day after the wedding, he said he thought they got the fillings incorrect as he couldn't taste anything but buttercream. (we were supposed to have chocolate cake with chocolate ganache & strawberry mousse on the bottom layer, lemon cake with raspberry puree & lemon curd on the second tier, & chocolate cake with creme de menthe mousse for the top tier) Both my sister & MIL said the same thing. However, I did finally manage to track down the left over pieces of cake & taste them for myself- the bottom layer was correct, however the second tier was missing the lemon curd & I have no idea about the top tier as it got devoured at the wedding.

When I called to ask them about the situation, they were very standoffish with me about it and refused to entertain the idea that it could possibly be wrong. I spent an entire day going back and forth with them on the phone about the situation. Since I needed to go past and drop off the cake stand anyway, I set up a time for my husband and I to sit down with them and talk in person.

I showed them photos of what they'd given us and what we had requested. They admitted they looked nothing alike and couldn't explain why there had been such a big mistake in the design. When I pointed out that I had given them the photo of the cake I wanted, they claimed there was nothing in my file. They also swore up and down that the interior of the cakes were perfect- however, it turns out that the girl taking the order had never written down that I wanted lemon curd in it. The only compensation they offered us was to make another 8-inch cake for us. I DON'T WANT MORE CAKE!! I'M SICK OF FRIGGIN' CAKE!! I told them I wanted a refund of half the cost of the cake. They refused to entertain it- they would give me $45 for the cost of the design or an 8 inch cake and nothing more. That's not enough for me- after all, no amount of money is going to make up for the fact that I spent my wedding night bawling my eyes out in massive fits of sobs because my wedding cake- my one splurge in our excessively tight budget- was completely wrong and I could've made a better cake by myself. I paid $2k for photography- and now I have 25 photos of a cake that's hideous and not even mine. It's not the photographers fault. I can't go after him for that money back. It's their fault. The only response I got was "we can't do anything. it's up to the owner & she's not here right now."

I'm still fighting with them about this a month now & I'm determined that it'll be resolved.

After being referred there by a friend who had great success with them, we decided to order our bridesmaids dresses from them.

A week prior to taking the girls there, I called to ask if an appointment was necessary for bridesmaids, I was told there wasn't any need for one and someone would be happy to help us when we got there. When we arrived we were immediately snapped at about how we didn't have an appointment and how they wouldn't serve us if we didn't. I pointed out that whoever I'd spoken to had said there was no need for one as we were only looking at bridesmaids dresses and that we were prepared to buy them that day. In a huff, the assistant that greeted us mumbled something under her breath as she walked off and got someone to help us. The selection was extremely limited and the girls had a hard time choosing something they liked when they couldn't try it on. The assistant helping us was less than useful. She grudgingly showed us catalogs from the designer and swatches, and had a "what you see is what you get" attitude about everything. Eventually the girls picked and paid for their dresses, and we were told there would be 8-12 weeks shipping on the dresses, meaning they'd be in by the end of August.

In the middle of August I received a phone call from the assistant that had helped us saying that the dress one of my bridesmaids picked wasn't available in navy, but it was available in midnight which, as she described it was a black with blue tint. At the time of ordering them I'd asked repeatedly that she double check and make sure all the dresses came in navy and she reassured me they did. When I asked what could be done about the situation, she snapped back at me saying that the BM had one of three dress choices and that's all they could offer us. I passed this on to the BM who dealt with the situation and ended up picking a different dress but no compensation for the inconvenience was offered and they couldn't even promise that it would be in 2 weeks before the wedding.

The other BM's dress didn't arrive for 17 weeks after ordering. We ordered the dresses in May and it didn't arrive until a week before the wedding- our wedding was Oct 3rd. The store couldn't explain what had taken so long, nor were they willing to work with us on tracking down the dress. When we requested the tracking number be faxed to me so that I could see exactly where it was in transit, they failed to fax it. They hung up on us repeatedly when we'd call to check on the status of it, never returned our calls and kept giving us incorrect dates as to when the dress would arrive. Thankfully when the dress did turn up, the bridesmaid didn't need any alterations. When my husband spoke with the store owner about the situation, they were far more polite to him but still unwilling to try and track down the missing dress until he threatened legal action against them.

I will not be referring them to anyone and I will never use them again for anything. They're overpriced, the store is grotty and outdated with miserable wenches for sales assistants and their customer service leaves something to be desired.

Thursday night we got all dressed up the most fantastic dinner- Since we didn't do a fancy dinner when we were on our honeymoon, we decided to wait and go to one of our favourite restaurants in the area to celebrate our 1 month anniversary instead. I was so stuffed! thai chili prawns, goats cheese stuffed ravioli, she-crab soup, baby greens salad w/ goats cheese, cranberries, pecans & a balsamic dressing, lemon sorbet w/ raspberry puree drizzle, steak & salmon mixed grill, caramel apples w/ raspberry filled shortbread & chocolate bourbon tart.... absolutely incredible! and to top it off- they gave us a vanilla pound cake to say congratulations on our marriage!

If you've never been to the Angus Barn before then you should try it at least once. The steaks are incredible & they're one of the best restaurants in Raleigh. It's always really busy in the dining room, so you'll need a reservation. They also have private dining- the chefs table for 2 in the upper kitchen, and the captains table for 4 in the lower kitchen. The Angus Barn also hosts weddings & events at the Pavillions, & the cellar rooms are a favourite for rehearsal dinners & christmas parties. We booked the Captains Table.

You arrive and get drinks in the lobby, then the manager or assistant manager greets you and takes you down to the lower kitchen and the cellars- you have to go through the main upper kitchen to get there which is certainly an experience! You're then given a brief tour of the wine cellars and taken into the lower kitchen where a private chef creates a menu just for you based on your likes & dislikes (which are asked over the phone when you make the reservation). All the courses have a wine pairing by the sommelier. The table is only available on the nights when they're hosting parties in the lower cellar which at this time of year is 3-4 times a week. It's $100/person all-inclusive and the amount of food you get is ridiculous. I was already full before we even got to the third course. It's a really great value for money since the wine alone can cost $100 if you paid for it separately.

I was talking to my mum earlier about how I'm still reeling from the disappointment of our wedding and I think that in time, I'll get past it, but i'll never totally get over it and there are a A LOT of things I'd do differently if I could do it again. She suggested that I should seriously consider planning a vow renewal for our 5 year anniversary if I'm feeling that awful about everything. She says that since we'd already be married it would be easier, less stressful and since we'd pay for most of it ourselves it could be exactly what I'd wanted in the first place.

Personally, I've always sort of seen vow renewals as the kiss of death in my friends relationships. Every couple I know personally who's done it has ended up announcing their divorce 6 months to a year later- its like they were having problems, decided to have a vow renewal in the hope of fixing those problems and recapturing how they felt as newly weds and when it didn't happen, everything fell apart. That's what puts me off a bit. That and the fact that I don't want to come off as the crazy lady in the family who can't get over the fact that her wedding's come and gone long ago.

But, when my mum puts it in that kind of perspective- not as a replacement to our wedding, but an addition to make me happier and give me better memories it makes me seriously consider it. Especially since it would be only immediate family & closest friends, no bridal party (maybe a best man & a MOH), and it wouldn't be anything dramatic or over the top necessarily, but it would be ours kind of makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

While we were on our honeymoon, DH suggested that we have one at our 1 year, 5 year, or 10 year if I wanted to. But he suggested it as a replacement to our wedding, not as an addition which turned me off the idea. But either way, I know he'd be okay with it if I did choose to.

Anyway, I was just wondering what everyone else's thoughts on this were?