sapphire2009's Green wedding

Chris was kind enough to endure the entire movie with me tonight since its at the "cheap" dinner theatre in town. From the moment it started, I was about ready to bawl my eyes out because it made me realize a few things that I'd been trying to deny for a while.

1.) I miss having girlfriends who would see me through anything. I had it once upon a time, but as we've grown up we've also grown apart. No matter how hard I try, I'm unsuccessful in getting back in contact with them. 2 of my bridesmaids are really the only two who've been by me for the past several years. Unfortunately however, I know that if I needed them they wouldn't be there for me the way I am for them. They know that if anything happened, I'd be on the redeye to be with them. Maybe one day I'll find friends like that again though.

2.) As much as I whine, complain & keep bitching about how much I don't want my wedding, and how I'd love to just elope I realized that I would feel completely unfulfilled without it and that somewhere, deep down, I do want my proper wedding.

3.) Its easy to let the wedding get "bigger than big" without even realizing it. The wedding isn't the over the top important part. We are. Me & Chris.

4.) My one biggest fear about the entire wedding is that I'll be left at the altar. I know it wouldn't happen, but that doesn't make it any less of a fear.

5.) When I was a teenager I prided myself on the fact that I was going to be like Samantha. Strong, independent, & no-nonsense with no strings, no attachments. I always swore I'd never get married. But watching it made me realize I probably wouldn't have been happy with a life like that. I love what I have in my life now. I would never change it, or go back to how I used to be. I think I let my fear hold me back a lot these days though. I used to be such a risk taker because I had nothing to lose. These days, I'm totally over the moon with happiness but knowing in the back of my mind that something terrible could happen because happiness is never free keeps me from doing a lot of things I want to do.

...and finally, I want the $525 blue manolo blahniks Carrie wore.