I must make a confession...
So, a couple of weeks ago, I made up a fake profile and posted about some issues that were going on in my marriage. The issues are severe. Extremely Severe. You can read everything on that blog if you're interested.
The short of it is however, that I married a psychopath/sociopath who pathologically lies and our entire relationship, the marriage, everything has been built on lies. Now the foundations have been washed out and it's all crumbling around us. There's debt, fraud, emotional/mental abuse, lies, etc. I can't even begin to explain everything- it would take me writing a novel to go in depth about it all.
I'm leaving him & filing for divorce. As much as I love him, and as much as we've been through- I can't do this for the rest of my life. He says he wants help, he says he wants to change, but I can't do that for him. And even if he does get the help and the support that he needs, that doesn't make up for the fact that the past 3 years of my life, I've been living a total lie. I could never trust him again. Of course he doesn't want me to go, but in my heart, I know this is the best thing I could do for either of us. I need to get away and repair myself, and the damage that he's done to me, and he doesn't need the distraction of me while he needs to concentrate on himself. And, as expected he's attempting to manipulate and guilt me into staying- which isn't working. It's only pushing me further away. I told him last night that I want to be moved out with the separation legal by xmas, and he did take it better than I'd expected... but I hadn't expected to tell him yet either.
I'm hoping to make it as civil and possibly even as amicable as possible, but once every thing's said and done, it's over for good. No more contact, no calls, emails, nothing. I'm sad it has to be this way, but I'll move on and get over it. Hopefully, my life will have done a 180 within a year from now.
Thank you to all the wonderful ladies who commented on my other blog and showed me support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have everyone behind me... it's so touching. Thanks again.
Finally finished my Shutterfly album!
A week or so ago, I started working on a shutterfly album since we opted not to get a coffee table book from our photographer. At first I was getting really frustrated with it because apparently my photos weren't in high enough resolution to do what I wanted with them, and my layouts weren't as great as some of the others I'd seen in the gallery but I finally said whatever to it, and decided to just do what I was capeable of. I still think it looks alright, even if it isn't as fancy as it could've been. I may still go through and change the backgrounds though- I'm not sure if I'm really loving the blue.
anyway, lemme know what you think! It was actually super easy once I got past the whole resolution issue & I've started working on a smaller one of honeymoon pictures. I'm planning on giving these to our parents as christmas presents this year.
ringbearer & flowergirl
step-mother in law
groomsman & his friend
grandma inspecting chris' ring
my legs were SO HOT!! i never imagined that a few layers of tulle could be so suffocating!
my all time favourite photo of chris... EVER!
getting ready to head into the reception & party it up!!
about to make our grand entrance
father daughter dance
my mum attempting to salvage our cake
I snuck outside for a drink & some fresh air
MIL waiting for her wine
chris & brooke
the boys spent the entire morning setting up all the fairy lights.
SMIL, my dad & MIL dancing
SMIL & Dad- I've never, EVER seen my dad dance. Ever. and she managed to get him up and enjoying himself... it's crazy!
the girls getting ready to sneak off
the cake cutting
our mother-daughter dance
dancing the night away
MOH in the elevator going up to our room
my crazy ass sister & my friend joe
Tommy playing with glowsticks
the boys preparing for the garter toss
the bouquet toss
chris after he removed my garter
everyone dancing the cupid shuffle
I love the fact that the boys are practically fighting over the garter in the background.
our ahhhhmaaaaaaazing DJ. he was so awesome.
the MOH & our photographer, ben
this was on the presents table.
Professional Pics are in!!
Sapphire2009- The Reception
As with the prior pro-pics entries, I'm not going to do a recap or anything since I did that with the amateur pics.
Basically we had a great guestlist who were a lot of fun to hang out and party with, an amazing DJ, and good food. Everyone had a TON of fun, and we were practically kicking people out when it came time to start packing up.
I'm lazy... so I'm not uploading all 400 photos from the reception. lol. These are just my favourites. Hope you enjoy them!
Sapphire2009- Pro Pics!!
I guess there's not much to really say about the ceremony- I already did my recap a few entries back, so I guess just enjoy the photos!!
Btw- most of the photos look pretty awful because we were all stressed out immediately before the ceremony, trying to get everything set up and sorted out. And to add insult to injury, the sun was directly in our eyes as we walked down the aisle and stood at the altar! If I'd pushed everything back by an hour like I'd sort of wanted to do the day of, it would've made for beautiful photos and the sun wouldn't have been in anyone's eyes.
I was going to post the pre-ceremony mayhem of us frantically trying to get everything set up, but I think I'll post all of that last- its sort of irrelevant stuff. lol. I can't believe there's *SO MANY PHOTOS!*
I tried to put them in order as best I could... but I can't see many of them very well in the thumbnails, so some of it might be out of order... sorry!
WBC STAFF- For the love of god, please install a bulk uploader!!
(all photos by organicexposurephoto.com)
Jay doing Mel's hair
I loved the view from our hotel room- you could see for forever!
just a fraction of the makeup I took to the hotel room with me- all of mine was on the otherside of the room. I decided to bring a bunch of stuff for the bridesmaids to use in case they forgot theirs.
parts of the survival kit, & the agenda
agenda for the day.... which we totally didn't stick to.
the bridesmaids flowers
Emily getting her hair done
I *REALLY* wish I'd thought to buy a nice hanger for my dress instead of the ugly plastic one.
helping my mum with her makeup
mum and I doing our makeup
Emily getting her hair done
one of my favourite photos from that morning
my dad getting ready... he pointed out the tie to my mum and said something along the lines of "I have no idea why she'd pick something like this for me..." and my mother's response was "she didn't. I did. it looks nice." and he just scowled like she was playing some mean joke on him.
mum doing her makeup
my turn!! I remember saying something along the lines of- "I want big, huge, over the top, pageant hair... pageant hair remember! the bigger the hair, the closer to god! Jay, you're a southern boy... you KNOW this is true!"
"and remember, wide pomp- i don't want to look like I have a mohawk."
my dad disapprovingly looking on- he HATED my hairstyle. he can't stand unnatural looking hairstyles & thinks women look best with loose, flowy styles.
on the phone to chris at the time- that's my "you did WHAAAAAAT?!" look
i sorta love this photo
my dad being his typical self.
geez my hair was long!
my current facebook profile picture lmao!
Emily getting ready to leave to go get the kegs for the reception (and to rip me off at the same time...)
Melissa & Becca
Becca- my wonderwoman who saved the day!!
hm... is my dad trying to be seductive there?
my sister arriving in her usual way- "fashionably late" and with an obscene gesture.
when you see them act like that, it's hard to believe they've been divorced since august, and separated for nearly 5 years.
mum getting her hair done
I got told I had to eat something, so they called room service for me.
the only thing I could stomach at the time was scrambled eggs on toast... instead they gave me rubber eggs with toast.
hmm... thinking perhaps?
hey look! it's the bank of daddy!!
FIL fixing Chris' tie
The boy's jackets
Chris looks rather worried... pre wedding jitters?
my mum's fabulous hairstyle
about to get into my gown
half way in...
and fluffing some more- we've even got the hairdresser & his assistant/partner involved in it now too!
and still more fluffing!
Chris' cousin, Joshua who was one of our groomsmen & his step-dad.
becca helping me with my earrings
she couldn't find the piercing, so I ended up doing it.
and my necklace- I can't do anything with acrylic nails!
good idea #18878348972387238: put your shoes on BEFORE your dress. Or, sit down while someone else puts them on you.
my all time favourite photo of my mum and I, ever!!
FIL tying one of the groomsmen's ties
getting ready to head out to the venue
dad loaded down with as much stuff as he could carry
"oh shit! I forgot to brush my teeth after having that meal! Quick- hand me a wisp!"
trying to figure out who was riding with who up to the venue.
um, okay dad...
what, you mean your car's all the way over there and it's blocked in?!
uh huh. alright.
fine, I'll walk!
omfg... you didn't wash the car earlier?! (and he hadn't... i ended up with a huge dirt mark across the front of my skirt from trying to get into the car. REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR CAR BEFOREHAND!)
my sister's such a poseur.
the girls heading off to the venue.
We got the professional pics back!
Sapphire2009- The beautifying process
we had a pretty quick turn around time on our pics- the wedding was Oct 3rd, and the dvd with our photos arrived on Saturday. They're not *all* as amazing as I hoped, but our photographer was so fantastic- apparently they got nearly 10,000 snaps of our day between the 3 of them, and they narrowed it down to 800 of their favourites for us.
Anyway, these are the photos of the bridesmaids and I getting ready in the morning- I was running an hour late getting to the hotel which put us behind by 2 hours in the end. lol. We all had our hair professionally done, but I did my own makeup, as did the girls- we didn't see any point in paying out a ton of money for someone to come in and do it for us, when I wanted to look like me, and I wanted the girls to look like themselves too. It was actually, surprisingly relaxed in the hotel room while we got ready. I frantically jumped in the shower when we got there, and the girls kind of just got on with what they were supposed to be doing. The hairdresser was fantastic- even though the girls hair wasn't what I had been imagining it was really pretty. My mum got ready in the room with us too, and my sister came and hung out before we all headed down to the venue. Surprisingly however, my dad got ready in our room too. No one minded and he didn't get in the way, but I expected him to get ready with the boys- then again, he has 3 sisters and he's more comfortable in the presence of ladies- he's not much of a manly man type. I think the other part of it, while he didn't want to admit it, was that he wanted to spend as much time with me beforehand which is really sweet.
We didn't actually get many photos of the boys getting ready- they were supposed to have a hotel room to get ready in, but they ended up canceling that and spending the whole day at the venue setting everything up. They actually got ready in the men's bathrooms of the venue, and by the time 2 of the photographers got to the venue the boys were already pretty much done getting ready. I'm a little disappointed that there aren't more photos of them, but the day was totally chaotic anyway.
Sorry there's nearly 200 photos... I just wanted to hopefully provide some inspiration for someone out there! lol.
there are so many that I'll have to upload them in separate sets... it makes life easier. lol
(all photos by organicexposurephoto.com)
In Loving Memory
Before the wedding, I touched on the fact that I wanted to do something in memory of my loved ones who have passed and couldn't be with us the day of the wedding. I didn't want anything obvious like a candle lighting, a memorial table, or a rose on an open chair. I wanted something that only I would know about, unless I chose to share it with others.
As a little girl, I always pictured my grandmother's companion, Robert, walking me down the aisle- he was the only grandfather I ever knew and we were very close when I was a child. My biological grandfather died before I was born. After Robert passed away in 2003 I decided that my Uncle Paul, my mother's brother, would be the one to walk me down the aisle instead- should I ever decide to marry. Unfortunately however, my uncle passed away in October 2007, shortly after we announced our engagement. One of the last things i had a chance to say to him, was to ask if he would walk me. It became extremely important to me that I find someway of having these two with me on my wedding day. I insisted upon walking alone to honor them- I was never close with my dad growing up, I felt it would be insulting to them to have him walk me down the aisle. I wanted both arms free so that if there are angels, they could walk with me.
I finally decided to honor them by lacing a locket through my bouquet- The locket I ended up using was my grandmothers, and was also my something old. On one side of the locket, I had Robert's photo and on the other side, I had a photo of Paul as a child. I chose to have all of the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnières as roses to honor my [biological] Grandfather who was an avid rose grower. If I had known beforehand that a particular rose existed, I could've had an arrangement made using Falstaff English Roses in memory of them as well. Falstaff was the name of my uncle's horse when he was in the Blues and Royals. I liked the fact that we didn't do anything obvious or that anyone really knew about. It made it even more special to me, and those that did notice the locket and asked about it thought it was one of the sweetest things they'd ever heard of doing.
I asked Chris if he wanted to do anything to honor his granddaddy. He liked the idea of doing something, but he wasn't sure what- and again, he didn't want to do anything too obvious. We ended up deciding to play a song that only those who knew about it, would know that it was for granddaddy. We didn't have the DJ make an announcement of it being a dedication, or in memory of, or anything like that. It was just put on the must play list with an extra note added to it saying that it was extremely important that it be played.
*note: I just got the professional photos back on Saturday. I'll upload them all over the next few days!
Inspiration Board 42
70 boards for you to pick through!! thought these might help some of you
I'm trying to clean up my mac & get rid of some of the files I'll no longer use, and came across a TON of inspiration boards I had saved.
I figure these might help some of you- hope they provide lots of inspiration and ideas!!
There's everything from rustic, to vintage, to modern, to beachy, to... I dunno. so much stuff! lol.
some of these are my own creations, others are saved from various blogs and sites around the net.
My grandparents wedding- they're the two in the middle. & yes, my granddad was shorter than my grandma. haha
my parents british wedding
my parents british wedding
my parents british wedding
my parents british wedding
My mother's bridesmaid portrait when she was a bridesmaid for our cousin in the late 70s.
My parents & grandparents weddings
(I posted this over at my newly-wed blog, Sapphyre... so I apologize if you've seen it twice)
I'm pretty much obsessed with photographs & documenting the events of life through photos... I especially love going through all the old photos at my mums and laughing at the terrible bouffant '60s hair, or the flared jeans my uncle wore in the '70s, or the dreadful perm my mother had in the 80's that I was obsessed with and cried over when she cut it all off.
When we were staying at my Mum's on our honeymoon, I dragged the box out and started rummaging through it. I didn't have time to get through all of it- there's so many, it would've taken me days! However, I did find a few that I was determined to bring home with me. These included photos of both my parents & my grandparents weddings- I'd always loved my mothers wedding dress, but I'd never seen a photo of my grandparents wedding. Now that I have photos of both, I'm planning on getting a 3-opening frame and having a wedding photo of all three generations of my family in one. It's amazing how much fashion changes just in the few decades between each wedding- funny thing is however, we've all had a dark blue as a main color in our weddings.
My parents actually had 2 weddings. One in the states & one in Britain- it was easier than trying to make one side or the other travel a distance to attend. Both were very small & private weddings- it was family only for the most part, there was no bridal party, etc.
My grandparents were married at the tender age of 19. My grandfather was a sailor in the Royal Navy at the time, and my Grandmother had her 2 sisters as bridesmaids (the two on the far left). We're not sure who the others in the photo are. I love the fact that all the girls are carrying arm bouquets- that's something that just isn't seen so often these days.
The last photo is of my mother when she was a bridesmaid in our cousin's wedding in the late 70's. My mum was in her early 20's at the time.
Ask a Question
What should I do with these?
Last year I bought two of these candle holders from michaels after christmas- they look exactly like the larger one in the picture, except mine are gold, to go with our neutrals color scheme throughout the year, and our gold & red color scheme for christmas.
Usually, I'll just plop a couple of smallish pillar candles in them and keep them on either side of the centerpiece on our dining room table, but I'm getting tired of looking at them like that. I *know* i could do something more creative with them... I just don't know what.
I've thought about filling them with stones & putting a floral arrangement in the top, but that idea doesn't really appeal to me. Nor does the idea of filling them with wrapped candy (since they get pretty narrow around the fluted area).
(Btw- if you like them, they're on sale at michaels currently for 40% off- meaning the larger ones would be about $11 each, i think.)
Ask a Question
Married Ladies- A newlywed blog?
Now that my wedding's over, I feel like I should probably move on from this place... I don't have much to post to help out other brides these days etc. and while I do still read everyone's blogs daily and post comments where I can, sometimes I feel a little out of place, and a little bit like I'm trying to hold on to something that I should probably let go of- as difficult as it is when you've spent 2 years of your life ENTIRELY dedicated to planning your wedding- and move on...
So, married ladies, what did you do & why did you stay?
I kept 2 separate blogs during my planning. One of every day trials & tribulations, and one dedicated strictly to wedding planning, ideas, & inspiration. Over the past few days, I combined the two blogs, reorganized everything, and gave it a facelift. I'm planning on using it as not only a personal blog, but somewhere to give people inspiration for home decor, recipes, fashion, etc.
This is NOT goodbye- I adore every one of you, I'm just wondering what I'm supposed to do with myself now that I have nothing left to plan and blog about. You've all been amazing in giving me advice on both my WBC blogs (this one & porcelainbride) and I'm really not sure what I would've done without ya'll during my planning craziness. Not to mention, some of ya'lls ideas would work fabulously in decorating our home. lol. I know a little bit of it is post-nuptial depression just because I sunk so much of myself into planning, but part of it is just that I don't have a creative outlet anymore and I need to find a new one.
I'll be posting over at my other blog much more often than I'll be posting here from now on however. If anyone enjoys my blog that much, I'd appreciate it if you'd subscribe & comment occasionally. Anyway, if anyone's interested in following my newlywed blog, here's the link:
Sapphyre... The randomness of a newlywed wife
& if anyone wants to trade links, just lemme know- I'd be happy to post anyone's on my page.